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Hi, this is Shiro.
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[ keith doesn't know what to think really. the confirmation that shiro has others doesn't come as any surprise -- not after that network post with toji and the one that followed it with questions about anal. quite plausibly, it's hypocritical and irrational to feel relieved to know that this tenderness isn't something shiro freely gives away to anyone he sleeps with, but there's a slow warmth radiating outwards from his chest at the thought.

keith shifts in shiro's arms, turning enough to make eye contact. it's entirely selfish, greedy even, to want intimacy with shiro that's only between them. arguably, it's not even feasible with the aphro that floods every crevice of this stupid place. moreover, keith isn't sure what he'd even write back to anonymous if the guy ever expressed interest in actually getting to know each other.

keith opens his mouth before having any idea of what he wants to say. words always get tangled and stuck at the worst of times, it seems. he breathes in, out, not looking away from shiro's face. ]

I think... hearing that makes me happy? I guess I just don't know what it means to ... be here and have those feelings, knowing you have other people you like being physical with too. [ a beat, then he swallows. ] ... and the same for me? I guess.

Edited 2022-07-21 22:35 (UTC)

[ the questioning inflection to hearing that makes me happy is not the strongest confidence booster. silently to himself, shiro can acknowledge that keith is, perhaps, a touch stunted when it comes to verbalizing. the weird thing though, is that shiro is beginning to realize that he is too. he’s always been so good at talking, from public speaking to team leading to one on one pep talks. conversations centered around himself though… – he should have learned from adam. they drifted apart, they wanted different things, sure, maybe the break-up is no one’s fault in the end, but looking back, shiro can see that he didn’t talk to adam like he should have. he should have opened up more, about his fears for the mission, his reservations for his body holding out, his needs to prove himself, his hopes for when he returned, for the both of them. maybe then adam would have understood the narrow-focus and the drive to keep pushing, to not slow down enough to doubt. maybe then adam would have stayed.

again, shiro wonders if there’s a meaning behind the photograph that’s hidden away in his locker. he mulls over the thought briefly, too brief to do anything with it, and then reminds himself to be open. the only way this is going to work is if they keep talking things through, because otherwise…? shiro thinks of the argument of a few weeks back, when assumptions piled high in his head the moment keith said he’d been with someone else.

there’s no escaping that. not here. there can be nothing conventional about them being together in a place like this. ]

If you’ve found other people who you’re comfortable being with and if that’s what you want… [ the words come together slowly. he’s working it out as he’s saying it, hoping that the conclusion is one they can both live with. ] … then it’s okay. I don’t… [ he furrows his brow and wets his lips, pausing for a brief moment to gather his thoughts. ] I’m not asking you to stop.

[ he’s trying to be rational. he still stands by his push to finish their sentence sheets, especially when escape attempts keep going haywire. he would suggest, maybe, working through their sheets together but… shiro’s track record isn’t the greatest. he can’t even check off kissing for keith.

he breathes out a soft sound, self-berating and worn as he rubs his fingers against keith’s hand, occasionally tightening for a squeeze. ]

But it’s a little hard to stomach, to be honest. [ he laughs, just to off-set how pathetic this makes him sound. ] I’m used to being your favorite and receiving all the special treatment.

You're not gonna ask me to stop?

[ the question slips out of keith against better judgment, his regret made all the more obvious by the grimace barely a beat later. ]

I mean... [ what does he mean? and why the fuc is he vaguely disappointed? keith bites the inside of his lip, taking a deep breath. the thing is ... keith's experience with sharing intimacy prior to this prison facility is nonexistent. what he knows about relationships and dating is that they're conventionally monogamous. and frankly, despite knowing other configurations of relationships exist, keith isn't entirely sure if that's even right for him.

hell, he's still figuring out if sex is right for him. anonymous makes him think he wants it -- and maybe even wants it a lot, but part of that surely has to do with the fact that there aren't any expectations outside of their trysts.

but perahps he's getting completely sidetracked. shiro doesn't want to ask him to stop, which implicitly suggests that shiro himself doesn't want to stop and doesn't want what they have to be what keith honestly thinks of when he imagines a boyfriend.

boyfriend. right. that's a forbidden word if there ever wer, huh? keith banishes it from thought with a mental headshake then clears his throat. ]

... I guess that's how it has to be. Place messes with everyone so. [ so. he sighs, squeezing shiro's hand. ] ... But I don't like this.

[ because of course shiro is his favorite person, and for better or for worse, keith doesn't know how to not be loyal. porn prison's starting to erode that though, and keith flushes with a mix of shame and embarrassment. ]

... but I know I can't be everything for you.

[ and maybe neither can shiro for him? discontent simmers. ]

[ should… he ask keith to stop? hearing the incredulity fired back at him gives him pause. shiro’s got a jealous streak. he’s a little possessive, too. this is the same man who got huffy over keith giving up his ass to another man after asking shiro to do the honors. he’s also the man who stooped low and ran petty over a dog. space wolf, whatever. the thing is – shiro is highly attached to not only being important in keith’s life, but to being his person. the one he turns to, the one he confides in, the one he depends on, the one he favors; unsurprising, really, considering shiro’s always gunned to be the best at galaxy garrison. that competitive nature, unfortunately, bleeds into other aspects of his life, making him highly protective of the privileges he’s managed to attain by sticking it out with keith all these years.

so if he thought he could swing it? yeah, he’d ask keith to stop. seems a bit unfair though, huh? to ask keith to stop when shiro himself is still highly attached to his library pen-pal.

it doesn’t matter. whether or not shiro would be able to shake the tiny, barely there affection he has growing for anonymous doesn’t matter, because monogamy isn't possible here to begin with. ]

If we weren’t dodging aphro on the daily or stuck with these sheets…

[ he trails off, frowning. a tick goes by and then he sighs, pushing himself up and untangling. not entirely, but enough for him to get an arm to the bedding, propping himself up so he can lean and look down at keith’s face. ]

You’re enough, Keith.

[ if they were home, in their reality… then what? again with the what-ifs and just as before, shiro doesn’t have an ending to it, because truth be told, if they were back, what would shiro do? what would this keith’s shiro do? promise monogamy? are they even from the same reality? if they are, they aren’t together there, even though keith is further into the future… so does that make keith right? is these feelings only happening because they're in this situation? at the end of the day, are they not everything for each other?

he hates thinking that. he hates it so much. so he cuts that line of thinking and tries to keep his expression from completely disintegrating into something too pensive, too hard to look upon. ]

But we are where we are. And I’m trying to be… realistic. [ a barely there grimace at the word, his top lip curling back just so. ] There are going to be other people… but not like you. [ he already said this, but some things need to be repeated. ] The way I am with other people isn’t how I am with you. Or how I want to be with you.

[ shiro shifts, angling up to give keith a clear look at his face. not wholly consciously, keith shifts as well, scooting to occupy the space beneath his best friend.

enough.

funny. keith's never been an overachiever once in his life. sure, he'd been protecctive over his status as the best cadet of his class, but even that title hadn't meant much when shiro was no longer around to grab his shoulder and ruffle his hair with all the pride in the world. enough. it's a bitter word to hear coming from shiro. keith's never wanted to be enough to shiro -- no, for shiro he wants to aim for the fucking stars.

but of course, as shiro says, that's not "realistic." again, another word that seems out of place for their tumultuous friendship. time and time again, they've been forcibly separated, then reunited. shiro's been dead, then brought back from the depths of black's consciousness. it would have been realistic of keith to give up on shiro for dead so many times and yet ....

fuck, is porn prison really the place where "realistic" suddenly means something? or is rejecting that just set up for an inevitable crash and burn of disappointment? or does all of that not even fucking matter at this point because the fact of the two of them being space-time anomalies who are only together because of some unrealistic fuckery to begin with makes all of this pointless to agonize over?

he looks up then at his best friend, raising a hand to cup his cheek. the smile that tugs at his lips is a little fragile, but sincere. after all, isn't it kind of a fucked up but beautiful thing to get to touch his best friend's real face here, when he never got the chance to touch him tenderly before? ]

Good.

[, he laughs, and it's a quiet, soft thing that's more exhale than amusement. ]

So come down here and kiss me.

[ it can’t be that simple. shiro would like it to be; no titles, no meticulous dissection of what or how they’re going to do this, no fretting, just acceptance, like before when they tied everything up pretty with do things our way, when things feel right. it’s easy in the moment, but shiro knows better. deep down, when he cares to be honest with himself, he knows they’re making this complicated by being vague. so, no, it really isn’t this simple, because there’s more behind that good that isn’t being said.

what comes instead is distracting. seducing. it disarms shiro of his reservations and he sways an inch lower, without any thought whatsoever. he catches himself on the lean and laughs a sweetly embarrassed sound at his own readiness to follow through. he takes his time now. expression softening, he adjusts the placement of his arm and crowds keith further, leaning over him more as he gets his other arm to the bed to barricade keith from both sides.

there. stable, supported, and all encompassing, shiro then completes the lean to kiss keith’s mouth. first a press, second a tilt, and third, an angling that has their mouths slotting more firmly together. it’s predictable in its sweetness. shiro seems entirely incapable of lavishing keith with anything too heavy, too wanting too quickly, not when everything feels so new and so fragile. but one, two, three ticks and he’ll pick up where he left off on their last kiss: lips a little parted and tongue a little flirty, just a tease of potential as he holds the connection. ]

[ of course keith isnt being fair to either of them by barricading the conversation behind a simple good and moving on from there, but he feels so rewarded when shiro softens up and actually laughs. for everything they've seen and been through over the years, together and apart, it makes him happy to think that making shiro laugh can always be this simple.

or well, maybe it's not so simple because the power to induce affection with demands for kisses is still new enough to make keith feel a little giddy when he allows it. keith's own expression relaxes then, smile broadening as shiro cages him in with his arms and leans down for the kiss.

as always, it's soft and gentle and keith rememebrs to close his eyes a beat late. the hand that started on shiro's cheek moves to wrap around his neck, fingers lightly scratching through the undercut. he doesn't think it's going to last because shiro's kisses always come with a fast timer, but all the same he holds shiro there to his lips. not hard enough to keep shiro from being able to retreat, but present. demanding in its own right.

he parts his lips the then, breath hitching at the suggestion of tongue but suddenly nervous about chasing after shiro's taste. because what if he's bad at this? what if shiro doesn't like kissing him because he's sloppy and unpracticed and all his other partners are better at this? unsure, but not liking the uncertainty, keith murmurs against shiro's mouth. ]

Kiss me more....

[ with obviously clear instructions delivered, keith waits with bated breath. ]

[ he likes this; the gentle weight of keith’s hand at his neck and the pillowing of keith’s lips as they part. it’s unhurried in a way that allows the anticipation to build and the affection to burn warmer, hotter, with promise. he thinks then, with the little thought he’s capable of when he has keith’s breath hitching into his mouth, of how keith is underneath him. he’s soft in the sheets, open and vulnerable, barely dressed but altogether welcoming to the crowding of shiro’s body. yes, shiro likes this; likes that the physical aspect comes easy. talking about it doesn’t, no, but once they come together, the chemistry is there to carry them through any lack of technique or familiarity.

case and point: shiro would’ve gotten there. he touches his tongue to the parting of his own lips and, again, brushes a hint of wetness to keith’s, pulling it back into his mouth as he changes the angle of his face. he would’ve gotten there but words are mumbled between them. just like that, the smooth trajectory of shiro’s plan abruptly shifts. words are the enemy. words like more have shiro thinking amount, not depth.

he huffs a breath, muffling his amusement against keith’s mouth as he flutters his lashes to half mast, opening his eyes to stare at keith’s too close face. he keeps position, the widening of his mouth into a smile easy to track. ]

Impatient and greedy.

[ words sufficiently mumbled into keith’s mouth, shiro then does the direct opposite of what keith asks: he stops kissing him. he lifts his head, just a few inches, his expression remaining the same as he teases a more easily understood: ]

Can’t even wait for me to finish kissing you once before demanding more.

[ before keith can get too huffy at him though, shiro leans right back in to capture his lips in kiss number two. this kiss doesn’t last. but that’s alright, because shiro is onto kiss number three. which is off-set to the left, the corner of keith’s lips getting some solid, affectionate pressure. kiss number four lands lower, at the angle of keith’s jaw. and this showering of multiple kisses will continue if shiro is allowed to believe this misinterpretation. ]

[ and right on cue, the nanosecond shiro starts pulling away keith is ready to protest. gladly would have too, if it weren't for how shiro kisses him again. partly mollified, keith allows himself to be lulled into complacency, only for that kiss to end far too soon. keith blinks open his eyes, unsure, but then there's a whole slew of kisses on his face and jaw and --

fuck, it's not what keith wanted. but the affection is sweet and it makes him laugh as he cards his fingers thorugh shiro's floof on the next kiss at his jaw. ]

Heh, you giant dork. Stop teasing me!

[ other hand coming up to draw a line down from shiro's cheek to lips, keith grins a pinch mischievously. ]

I want a proper kiss.

[ keith’s laughing. that’s good, that’s really good. that next kiss to his jaw is a little haphazard, because he’s smiling too much to land the kiss correctly, too busy feeling giddy and feeling light with keith’s fingers in his hair. kiss number six will have to wait; shiro abandons the end goal of lavishing keith’s neck with attention and instead lifts his head, huffing in mock offense to giant dork. keith will get a peck to his trailing fingers though, because that grin looks too good on keith. shiro feels a touch enamored with it, up until keith hits him with another demand.

he tilts his head a marginal amount, as if the slight change in his view of that delighted face will have him understanding better. ]

Proper, like…

[ polite? chaste? respectful? normal? like – the kinds of kisses shiro’s been giving keith since this first started? shiro doesn’t ask. instead, he demonstrates by leaning in and once again, taking keith’s mouth for a kiss. the usual timer runs, with sweet pressure and a distinct lack of moistness holding for one tick, before he pulls back, gaze adorably hopeful. ]

Yeah?

[ the question earns shiro a raised eyebrow. truly, "giant dork" has never been so apt. still happily under the impression that shiro is teasing as keith is however, he merely closes his eyes and nervously parts his lips in anticipation of his very proper kiss.

you know, a proper boyfriend-but-not-boyfriend kiss should go?

but instead shiro starts pulling away again and keith blinks his eyes back open, dismayed by the continued trolling. one look at the hopefulness on shiro's face though and suddenly keith is questioning everything. it's strange, actually. keith gets stuck in his reaction, caught between amused and confused and forgets to press his lips closed again. was he unclear? more and proper hadn't seemed like vague descriptors to him, but then again... ]

No.

[ he huffs, cupping shiro's face in both his hands. ]

Proper like ... with your tongue in my mouth, dork.

[ he’s a dork twice over now. thrice, actually, because shiro’s calling himself one silently, in the recesses of his mind. fool is there too, as well as embarrassing. luckily, it’s a difficult thing to retreat into himself when he’s got two lovely hands cupping his face and a pair of amused, albeit slightly confused, eyes to stare into. shiro makes a small sound resembling an oh, though he’s laughing an awkward thing almost immediately, so the word gets swept up in it. shiro isn’t thrown too much by the request itself. he’d been testing the waters, teasing for a little more, so he’s altogether willing, just…

he’s pink in the aftermath of realization. sheepish, too. it only deters him a few extra moments though. ]

The word is deeper. Kiss me deeper, and I would’ve gotten it, brat.

[ now that the words are out, he thinks, maybe, not pleading his case would have suited him better, because even playfully pouty, he’s only giving keith more ammunition to tease him with. so next line of defense? silence him.

dipping into keith is becoming habit now. it’s easy with its growing familiarity and so, it’s smooth, how shiro fits his mouth to keith’s once more. lips already parted, he holds pressure to sink into the comforting feeling and then he touches his tongue to keith’s mouth, only to pull back, his mouth sucking at keith’s bottom lip as he goes. he lets go and breathes out a heavy sound, swaying right back in with a tilt of his head and a wider parting of his lips. this time, it’s immediate and wet, tongue pushing into keith’s mouth to slide against keith’s, the slick sound of their mouths making shiro fight off a shiver. ]

[ oh. so shiro wants to argue over semantics? truly wearing that dork flag proudly, huh? wise, then, that shiro chooses not to give keith time to fire back with banter. more, deeper -- the two are basically synonyms where anal is concerned, so why should it be different with kissing? but shiro presses their mouths together again, and that alone has keith's heart skipping and dropping whatever train of thought he had going about anal sex. he gasps as shiro pulls back to suck gently at his lower lip, only barely keeping a whisper of shiro's name to himself.

but finally, shiro gives him the more he was asking for. or deepens it, whatever terminology his dork wants to use and the first brush of tongues makes keith's toes curl, hands instinctively pressing more urgently before it occurs to him that maybe squeezing shiro's face while they kiss isn't exactly the pinnacle of "sexy."

whatever sexy even means. keith parts his lips, allowing shiro to lead and show him how to kiss this way. despite this being objectively tamer on the list of what keith's been up to, it still carries a weightiness to it that keith doesn't know what to do with. intimacy is different when it's shared with a door between people and when it's shared up close, personal. he moves his tongue tentatively, shivering at the wet taste of his best friend's mouth and is hopelessly smitten with this and the potential they're paving together.

heart beating dangerously faster and faster, keith splays his fingers wide to caress shiro's jaw and cheeks, holding him close before finally pulling away, bookending the end of this kiss the way it started with a gentle suck at shiro's lower lip. cheeks warm, and lips tingling keith breathes out. ]

I ... I don't want you kissing other people like this. Is that dumb?

[ oh. keith’s a fast learner. the mimicking tease of keith capturing his lower lip and sucking has shiro breaking first: it’s not a moan, but it’s a wanting breath, heavy and hitched as his eyes crack open. it’s just a kiss, is his ditch effort to settle the excited pump of his heart and the warmth heating him from the inside out, electrifying his fingers, his toes, his lips. if that doesn’t check off keith’s kissing sentence, shiro doesn’t know what will. the thought plays out and suddenly, all those feelings compound to have him feeling warmer and moonier, the ridiculousness of his focus embarrassing. this isn’t about that, however. he isn’t kissing keith because of that. he’s kissing keith because… well, because he’s pretty sure he’s developing a bit of a thing for his best friend.

so what keith says next? it won’t have shiro wrinkling his brow and being rational. it’ll have him going soft-eyed and pleased, instead. ]

No. It’s kinda sweet, actually.

[ cute. inspiring, too, in the hopefulness it intrinsically holds. there will be other people, they both just spoke of this. with aphrodisiacs involved and other compromises concocted by prison personnel, monogamy isn’t a promise anyone should be making. but shiro is caught up in the idea of it, both wanting and wishing. it might be possible, he thinks, as he shifts his body and slides his leg over to keith’s other hip. it stretches him over keith, pinning him more firmly to the bed with shiro’s body turned over his fully now. they could make it work, he thinks further, as he punctuates sweet with a not so sweet kiss.

he delves straight into deep. tongue in keith’s mouth, he touches and plays, moving it slowly and sensually in what can only be described as indulgence. even patience has its limits, however, and it’s when indulgence gives and shiro crowds keith further by kissing him more firmly into the bedding that he pulls back, sucking in a sharp breath to settle the burn. he wets his lips, even though they already feel wet and glossy, and then settles into a high-drunk smile. ]

You can have kissing exclusivity… [ he flicks his fingers out with his flesh hand, hand just close enough to catch the ends of hair spread out on the bedding. gosh, he’s pretty. ] But only if you save all your kisses for me, too.

[ it’s doable – maybe? shiro hasn’t done much of any kissing with those he’s been with and the one person who could be considered temptation, has a door between them. so. doable. ]

[ shiro calls the sentiment "sweet" and proceeds to follow up with considerably less innocence. between the slow, careful roll of their tongues together and the repositioning that leaves shiro suspended above him, the kissing takes on filthier undertones to mix with the giddy flutter in his chest. the space between their bodies doesn't amount to much, but it somehow manages to feel like an entire chasm when keith drags his hands lower to wrap around broad shoulders, wanting that space gone and to feel the heat and weight of shiro's body on top of his own.

it's a mistake. a thrum from their connection of their mouths runs straight down keith's spine and settles at the tip of his cock. inadvertently keith whines into the kiss, instinctively seeking out more or deep or whatever, but shiro's already pulling away before keith can pull him down. despite immediate disappointment, when he's a little less kiss fogged, he can at least find a pinch of relief in avoiding a hard on he's not entirely certain he's ready for shiro to see.

after all, how does one even begin to explain alien dick to somene you just started kissing?

he laughs airily, his expression soft as shiro speaks though. if having sex with others is an inevitability, then surely kissing must be too, right? but he can't bring himself to point out the obvious because shiro's smiling sweet and dopey and keith just wants to look at him. giving one shoulder a squeeze, keith mumurs quietly: ]

That mean you're gonna kiss me more to make up for the deficit?

[ that’s not an agreement. silly of him to even note it. afterall, he’s still very much aware that nothing said here is binding, not when so much of their lives are dictated by the warden. staying true to each other isn’t loyalty, not entirely. it’s luck. the thought is defeating in nature, but even with it at the forefront of his thoughts, shiro keeps his smile. ]

Yeah. I’ll keep you satisfied.

[ it’s easily said; cocksure and teasing. if keith plays nice, perhaps shiro will even make up for the past couple of weeks that he spent stuck in his head, hesitating on moving forward. he still has reservations; he isn’t without the fear that the natural feel of their bond will strain when they stray too far from the familiar boundaries of their friendship. seeing each other naked, kissing, even grinding together under the influence – they’ve done all that and yet they’re here, grinning and laughing together. so maybe sex won’t be the big, altering step he once thought it would be. ]

Just tell me what I wanna hear.

[ all said, i'll keep you satisfied is clearly a bit of teasing that's perfectly in line with the kind of playful banter they've been messing with. yet the cockiness of the declaration makes keith squirmyth, cheeks warming.

they're still only talking about kisses is what keith is quick to remind himself, but it's hard when they're positioned and dressed the way they are to keep his imagination from wandering. this whole time here, nobody has assured him of anything like that. even anon who comes closest to being someone keith can go to when he's craving more without fear of judgment hasn't made such assurances.

though, maybe agreeing to be a "good boy" is something akin to that?

fuck. was that anon's way of saying he'll take care of keith? intent is so much harder to read when there's balsa wood between them and keith is under no delusion that the guy wants anything from him other than a willing mouth and ass to fuck. keith blinks, not quite wanting to be thinking about anon at all right now, but he can't help wondering if shiro with all his gentle care will could actually satisfy him the way he's gotten used to.

nervously, keith wets his lips as he shifts his gaze away briefly, too ashamed to even look at shiro while thinking about the literal hole in the wall and the dick that comes poking through. keith takes a breath, then flicks his gaze back up to hold eye contact. kiss exclusivity ... right. ]

Just you. Only you get to kiss me like this.

[ the smile on his face is a little shy, but despite knowing better about the sanctity of his bodily autonomy or shiro's for that matter, the idea is something he's fond of. ]

...heh. Honestly I don't know if I even like being looked at when things get... you know. And afterwards, too. You're the only one I actually feel really relaxed around, you know? So I guess ... it goes without saying.

[ it’s weighty in a way he hasn’t readied himself for. he’s been teasing; genuinely, as far as cocky grins and playful pitches go, anticipating keith to rally back with another demand for shiro to hurry up with their mutually exclusive kisses. that’s keith though: the boy’s lethal, and not only with a blade in his hand. here, he’s got a shy look about him and soft words, the honesty so freely given that shiro’s disarmed by the end of it.

you know?

he can’t say he’s known this to be true, but he’s shamelessly revelled in the hope of it being true. he likes being keith’s favorite person, the one he feels most comfortable turning to, even if at times, shiro puts up boundaries that make it harder. it’s complicated. it’s shiro thinking too heavily about how things should be handled, rather than how he would like them to be handled. he’s getting better about being honest with himself though, as well as with keith, and so, he swallows back the reflex to edit his reciprocation, voice soft. ]

You’re that, too – for me.

[ he doesn’t want to turn this around to be about him. it’s not that. it’s that keith deserves to know that he’s a big comfort to shiro as well. has been, ever since he swooped in and rescued shiro from the garrison. ]

I don’t like people looking at me either, like they’re trying to make sense of what it is they’re seeing. They don’t understand. They can’t.

[ he pitches his weight onto his metal arm and balances out, lifting his other hand to run a palm to keith’s forehead, pushing back his bangs. ]

But you do. Maybe not about before, about what happened… but – you see me.

[ him. not the scars or the weird hair or the metal arm. not even the old title of the garrison’s golden boy like the other paladins do. it’s nice – to be seen in that way. he huffs a light, amused sound, part chiding in the way his smile grows wider. he rolls his eyes, looking away. ]

God, that was cheesy, wasn’t it? All that to say that I like looking at you and I like you looking at me. [ and you know what? he’s still not going to give keith much of a chance to get a word in edgewise, because shiro will be shoving an arm underneath keith’s shoulders and then pushing off, dragging keith through the roll that puts keith on top, shiro now with his back to the bed. ]

So, should I spoil you with kisses now or after we’ve crawled under the covers?

[ it's meant to be sweet; reciprocation is supposed to be affirming and wonderful. if keith were to be kind to himself, he'd accept it, too. shiro and him have more than a shared history, they save each other time and time again, ever since keith was just some scrappy kid with bruised knuckles and a permanently etched scowl on his face. their lives are so intertwined that keith genuinely no longer has any sense of who he'd even be without shiro's guidance. so if shiro thought he was being cheesy, the man's got nothing on the totality of how keith sees it.

allura had always thrown around the word destiny as it related to their lives as paladins. to this day, keith can't say that everything leading to voltron had ever felt so grand. if anything from that day felt like fate it was the prophesized landing that brought shiro back into his life. of course, keith never took that to mean that shiro and him were destined to be together, trading kisses and holding each other. the truth of the matter is that they might not ever be like this outside of this shitty prison facility.

but he kind of wants to believe in destiny, fate, whatever the fuck force it is that keeps them in each other's orbit against all odds and deying death itself.

but that all said? you see me leaves keith aching as shiro smils and rolls him on top. does he really see shiro? can anyone who didn't realize their best friend had been replaced by a clone truly be said to be seeing? positions reversed, keith looks down at shiro. the whole thing is ridiculous. dressed in a white tank top and a jock strap, this isn't the time to be having some kind of existential crisis. keith actually laughs at himself, as both hands again come up to cup shiro's face. ]

I ... I don't know about that. [ his smile is brittle here, but he tries to make up for it with a chaste peck to shiro's lips. ]

But I want to keep seeing you.

[ heartfelt, keith holds eye contact another moment, fingers moving up to brush through shiro's forelock before shuffling to tug at the covers. ]

Let's get under the covers. I don't want to have to move again.

[ the tremor that has keith stuttering on a word is all it takes. shiro’s expression wilts with that doubt. the wide stretch of his smile lessens, but keith gives him a kiss and it stops the fall. shiro’s lips freeze and so, he’s still smiling something small, curious, and concerned, although he’s trying not to give it too much power here, when keith pulls away. he thinks – as he always does when there’s misalignment between them – of everything he’s yet to experience. he feels silly in the aftermath. like he’s been gently chided, as one would a child or someone wholly incapable of understanding. that’s him, he supposes. someone stuck in a past this keith has already lived.

staring up at keith, shiro considers asking, but as always, he shies away from knowing too much and lets the moment go in favor of relaxing into the play of keith’s fingers. he’s had months to ask; he’s not going to spoil this hard won moment by finally sating morbid curiosity. that’s his justification, but there’s more to it too. cowardice. he’s already dealing with a past he can hardly stomach, he doesn’t want to imagine a future that has keith making faces like that. ]

Okay.

[ he strengthens his smile with a little force, giving keith room to shuffle and tug, before he gets himself moving. covers pulled back, pillows properly arranged – shiro gets his legs tucked underneath and then pauses, considering the sleeve of his left arm.

keith’s seen him. keith’s seen all of him. and – i want to keep seeing you. it’s not this; it isn’t so literal. but shiro takes a breath and then pulls at the hem, drawing the long sleeved shirt up and off, tossing it toward the foot of the bed. he gives keith a look that reads something close to is this okay, before he turns his gaze away and shuffles further down, getting his head to the pillow. lying down on his side, he stretches out his legs and points his toes until his ankles give a satisfying pop. he sighs out and closes his eyes, reaching for keith. ]

Feels like a dream compared to the cot, huh?

[ keith knows he's messed up. the fracturing of shiro's expression is hard to watch, and once again has to wonder if he's doing the right thing by keeping the truth of what's happened to shiro in his reality away from thie shiro beside him. after all, they might not even be from the same reality so who's to say that this shiro's fate is already carved in stone?

but no. there's no point in torturing shiro with possibility when he's already dealing with enough as it is just by existing in yet another alien prison. unless shiro puts him in the position of having to tell the truth, keith won't because ....

because i love you?

he goes a little pink with the thought, and warmer still as shiro pulls the long sleeved shirt up over his head to expose his sculpted chest and arms. despite what shiro says about people staring like they're trying to figure him out, keith privately thinks they're just staring because he's so gorgeous to look at. he nods at the hesitant look, then carefully scoots under the covers as well, head resting on a downy pillow. ]

Honestly? This whole thing right now feels a little like a dream.

[ he laughs soft and shy, rolling onto his side to face shiro. instinctively, he starts lifting his hand then pauses. ]

Heh. I don't know where you'd be most comfortable with me putting my hand. I think I'm overthinking.

[ a little. certain parts, at least. like how shiro flutters his lashes and sees keith there, face half hidden in the pillow. he’s pink and he’s sweet, dreamlike in the way this moment feels hazy and sluggish, dosed in comfort. but the feeling isn’t absolute. other parts stand out and shiro thinks, no, if this were truly a dream, the white in his hair would be gone, as would the metal posing as his right arm. both of them would be without scars, too. maybe then, keith wouldn’t hesitate in reaching for him.

perhaps he should have left the shirt on. last time they were like this, shiro had. keith’s touch had come easier then, with that thin, yet welcome barrier to cover all the odd patches of skin once ripped, gouged and ruined, left to knit itself back together.

his smile is lopsided. it’s hard to tell when half his face is hidden as well, but it is, with the apparent side pulling hard enough to plump his cheek. it hurts, a little, to force the smile. he doesn’t begrudge keith though. he doesn’t let the hesitation fester into doubt either. he reaches out with this flesh hand – because shiro is purposeful and aware, having intentionally picked the side of the bed that would put him down on his right, metal arm now safely tucked underneath his own pillow. he reaches for keith and grasps his stalled hand, drawing it around to lay it over his waist.

there’s a scar there, if keith trails his fingertips up to his lats, where four claw marks taper down into fine points. this is better though. this side is clear. it’s his right side that is a mess of jagged lines, courtesy of that fucking witch. ]

You can avoid them. [ he drapes his arm over keith, pulling him in closer. ] You don’t have to pretend to –

[ his words don’t soften or trail off. they simply stop. like he suddenly realizes he has no words for what he’s trying to say. what is he trying to say? keith doesn’t need to pretend to like them? shiro doesn’t need to be coddled or told anything. he certainly doesn’t need gentle, reverent touches that are more fake than genuine, tracing scarred tissue.

so no overthinking. no special treatment. this is no big deal. ]

[ avoid? keith binks, not quite following the logic until it hits him all at once with all the clarity of a suckerpunch to the gut. grimacing visibly, keith draws in closer, the hand draped over shiro's waist tightening ever so slightly. ]

I didn't -- I wasn't thinking about your scars or anything. I just meant I wasn't sure if touching like this would be pushing the whole ... doing things at our own pace. Especially since you know... [ he fidgets, biting his lip briefly. ] ...Since I may as well just not be wearing underwear right now.

[ keith trails off here, uncertain if he's explaining or overexplaining. one thing's for damn sure -- he's overthinking. he spreads his fingers slightly, thumb lightly grazing over a ridge of scar tissue. again, keith hesitates, but it's just for a beat and then he shifts his whole hand up higher to map out the parallel lines of uneven tissue. ]

There's nothing about you that I want to avoid, Shiro.

[ but is that even true? well, he can't be avoiding something shiro doesn't know he's avoiding. but knowing that's a cheap fuckign copout, keith adds: ]

But I guess it helps to know you want me in.

[ oh. that’s – oh. so shiro’s feeling chided again, though this time it’s well deserved. sheepishness floods his system and it’s hard to maintain eye contact, his gradually drifting to the side where keith’s hair frame his cheekbone. his arm is over keith’s, with his hand curled into the middle of the boy’s back; far away from the bareness of his ass. still. the mention has shiro’s fingers pressing into keith’s spine, wanting badly to map the line down. he doesn’t, however, because keith’s fingers splay too and now, shiro’s breath gives a tiny hitch, body going rigid for a split second of unknowing, before he lets go of that panicked feeling he doesn’t even fully understand.

it’s not a big deal, he means it. he’s been with a handful of people now, been seen and touted like a prize while people have gawked. he can handle people looking, judging, even touching; it’s not like the state of his body is a hairpin trigger, waiting to go off. the graze of keith’s fingers isn’t so terrible though. he can’t say he likes it, but he doesn’t hate it, which means something. maybe it’s just that he trusts keith. or maybe it’s that the words that follow have him feeling hopeful, just a smidge. either way, he gives up on studying the waviness of keith’s hair and meets his gaze. ]

I do.

[ want to let him in. eventually. someday. somehow. he doesn’t know how to though, not yet, not fully. so he has to wonder… does he ever figure it out? ]

Did… your Shiro ever talk about it? [ he shifts his face closer across the pillow, subconsciously seeking comfort. ] Captivity.

[ your shiro. it hits differently than the two words, i died back in the infinite void, but they still cut open a black hole in his chest. your shiro.

right. his shiro. the one with white hair, alive in a clone of his own body. his shiro who would rather be flying with pidge in the green lion during the long voyage back to earth than be anywhere near him and the lion he was trapped inside. keith bites his lip. no. he isn't being fair. shiro had flown with him in the beginning, but then... it's not like they could talk about anything. not with krolia there and coran singing the latin alphabet.

his shiro. how would his shiro feel about keith kissing and cuddling yet another version of him? as if the clone thing wasn't fucked up enough. and how would this shiro's keith feel about any of what's happening in prison? keith briefly closes his eyes and forces out a laugh. it hurts his head to think about it, and finds no ready asnwer to the growing doubt about whether any of this is a good idea.

but. i love you. the clone had more or less told him to forget about it and "his" shiro never saw fit to bring it back up. it doesn't matter -- not really, because the words were only ever intended to make shiro stop fighting. but all the same, keith's fracturing expression spells out his answer before he's verbally given one. ]

...no.

[ he swallows, feeling smaller somehow. like he's the bearer of some disappointing news. keith lets his gaze drop to shiro's collar bone, index idly tracing up and down scar tissue. ]

He didn't. But he had his reasons, I think. [ a slew of horrible reasons. ] ... like you, I guess.

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