earthshine | reparacija ic inbox

Entry tags:

reparacija ic inbox

« Shiro »
[ TEXT + AUDIO + VIDEO + ACTION ]

Hi, this is Shiro.
Sorry I'm unavailable at the moment,
but leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only | Expand All

[ and right on cue, the nanosecond shiro starts pulling away keith is ready to protest. gladly would have too, if it weren't for how shiro kisses him again. partly mollified, keith allows himself to be lulled into complacency, only for that kiss to end far too soon. keith blinks open his eyes, unsure, but then there's a whole slew of kisses on his face and jaw and --

fuck, it's not what keith wanted. but the affection is sweet and it makes him laugh as he cards his fingers thorugh shiro's floof on the next kiss at his jaw. ]

Heh, you giant dork. Stop teasing me!

[ other hand coming up to draw a line down from shiro's cheek to lips, keith grins a pinch mischievously. ]

I want a proper kiss.

[ keith’s laughing. that’s good, that’s really good. that next kiss to his jaw is a little haphazard, because he’s smiling too much to land the kiss correctly, too busy feeling giddy and feeling light with keith’s fingers in his hair. kiss number six will have to wait; shiro abandons the end goal of lavishing keith’s neck with attention and instead lifts his head, huffing in mock offense to giant dork. keith will get a peck to his trailing fingers though, because that grin looks too good on keith. shiro feels a touch enamored with it, up until keith hits him with another demand.

he tilts his head a marginal amount, as if the slight change in his view of that delighted face will have him understanding better. ]

Proper, like…

[ polite? chaste? respectful? normal? like – the kinds of kisses shiro’s been giving keith since this first started? shiro doesn’t ask. instead, he demonstrates by leaning in and once again, taking keith’s mouth for a kiss. the usual timer runs, with sweet pressure and a distinct lack of moistness holding for one tick, before he pulls back, gaze adorably hopeful. ]

Yeah?

[ the question earns shiro a raised eyebrow. truly, "giant dork" has never been so apt. still happily under the impression that shiro is teasing as keith is however, he merely closes his eyes and nervously parts his lips in anticipation of his very proper kiss.

you know, a proper boyfriend-but-not-boyfriend kiss should go?

but instead shiro starts pulling away again and keith blinks his eyes back open, dismayed by the continued trolling. one look at the hopefulness on shiro's face though and suddenly keith is questioning everything. it's strange, actually. keith gets stuck in his reaction, caught between amused and confused and forgets to press his lips closed again. was he unclear? more and proper hadn't seemed like vague descriptors to him, but then again... ]

No.

[ he huffs, cupping shiro's face in both his hands. ]

Proper like ... with your tongue in my mouth, dork.

[ he’s a dork twice over now. thrice, actually, because shiro’s calling himself one silently, in the recesses of his mind. fool is there too, as well as embarrassing. luckily, it’s a difficult thing to retreat into himself when he’s got two lovely hands cupping his face and a pair of amused, albeit slightly confused, eyes to stare into. shiro makes a small sound resembling an oh, though he’s laughing an awkward thing almost immediately, so the word gets swept up in it. shiro isn’t thrown too much by the request itself. he’d been testing the waters, teasing for a little more, so he’s altogether willing, just…

he’s pink in the aftermath of realization. sheepish, too. it only deters him a few extra moments though. ]

The word is deeper. Kiss me deeper, and I would’ve gotten it, brat.

[ now that the words are out, he thinks, maybe, not pleading his case would have suited him better, because even playfully pouty, he’s only giving keith more ammunition to tease him with. so next line of defense? silence him.

dipping into keith is becoming habit now. it’s easy with its growing familiarity and so, it’s smooth, how shiro fits his mouth to keith’s once more. lips already parted, he holds pressure to sink into the comforting feeling and then he touches his tongue to keith’s mouth, only to pull back, his mouth sucking at keith’s bottom lip as he goes. he lets go and breathes out a heavy sound, swaying right back in with a tilt of his head and a wider parting of his lips. this time, it’s immediate and wet, tongue pushing into keith’s mouth to slide against keith’s, the slick sound of their mouths making shiro fight off a shiver. ]

[ oh. so shiro wants to argue over semantics? truly wearing that dork flag proudly, huh? wise, then, that shiro chooses not to give keith time to fire back with banter. more, deeper -- the two are basically synonyms where anal is concerned, so why should it be different with kissing? but shiro presses their mouths together again, and that alone has keith's heart skipping and dropping whatever train of thought he had going about anal sex. he gasps as shiro pulls back to suck gently at his lower lip, only barely keeping a whisper of shiro's name to himself.

but finally, shiro gives him the more he was asking for. or deepens it, whatever terminology his dork wants to use and the first brush of tongues makes keith's toes curl, hands instinctively pressing more urgently before it occurs to him that maybe squeezing shiro's face while they kiss isn't exactly the pinnacle of "sexy."

whatever sexy even means. keith parts his lips, allowing shiro to lead and show him how to kiss this way. despite this being objectively tamer on the list of what keith's been up to, it still carries a weightiness to it that keith doesn't know what to do with. intimacy is different when it's shared with a door between people and when it's shared up close, personal. he moves his tongue tentatively, shivering at the wet taste of his best friend's mouth and is hopelessly smitten with this and the potential they're paving together.

heart beating dangerously faster and faster, keith splays his fingers wide to caress shiro's jaw and cheeks, holding him close before finally pulling away, bookending the end of this kiss the way it started with a gentle suck at shiro's lower lip. cheeks warm, and lips tingling keith breathes out. ]

I ... I don't want you kissing other people like this. Is that dumb?

[ oh. keith’s a fast learner. the mimicking tease of keith capturing his lower lip and sucking has shiro breaking first: it’s not a moan, but it’s a wanting breath, heavy and hitched as his eyes crack open. it’s just a kiss, is his ditch effort to settle the excited pump of his heart and the warmth heating him from the inside out, electrifying his fingers, his toes, his lips. if that doesn’t check off keith’s kissing sentence, shiro doesn’t know what will. the thought plays out and suddenly, all those feelings compound to have him feeling warmer and moonier, the ridiculousness of his focus embarrassing. this isn’t about that, however. he isn’t kissing keith because of that. he’s kissing keith because… well, because he’s pretty sure he’s developing a bit of a thing for his best friend.

so what keith says next? it won’t have shiro wrinkling his brow and being rational. it’ll have him going soft-eyed and pleased, instead. ]

No. It’s kinda sweet, actually.

[ cute. inspiring, too, in the hopefulness it intrinsically holds. there will be other people, they both just spoke of this. with aphrodisiacs involved and other compromises concocted by prison personnel, monogamy isn’t a promise anyone should be making. but shiro is caught up in the idea of it, both wanting and wishing. it might be possible, he thinks, as he shifts his body and slides his leg over to keith’s other hip. it stretches him over keith, pinning him more firmly to the bed with shiro’s body turned over his fully now. they could make it work, he thinks further, as he punctuates sweet with a not so sweet kiss.

he delves straight into deep. tongue in keith’s mouth, he touches and plays, moving it slowly and sensually in what can only be described as indulgence. even patience has its limits, however, and it’s when indulgence gives and shiro crowds keith further by kissing him more firmly into the bedding that he pulls back, sucking in a sharp breath to settle the burn. he wets his lips, even though they already feel wet and glossy, and then settles into a high-drunk smile. ]

You can have kissing exclusivity… [ he flicks his fingers out with his flesh hand, hand just close enough to catch the ends of hair spread out on the bedding. gosh, he’s pretty. ] But only if you save all your kisses for me, too.

[ it’s doable – maybe? shiro hasn’t done much of any kissing with those he’s been with and the one person who could be considered temptation, has a door between them. so. doable. ]

[ shiro calls the sentiment "sweet" and proceeds to follow up with considerably less innocence. between the slow, careful roll of their tongues together and the repositioning that leaves shiro suspended above him, the kissing takes on filthier undertones to mix with the giddy flutter in his chest. the space between their bodies doesn't amount to much, but it somehow manages to feel like an entire chasm when keith drags his hands lower to wrap around broad shoulders, wanting that space gone and to feel the heat and weight of shiro's body on top of his own.

it's a mistake. a thrum from their connection of their mouths runs straight down keith's spine and settles at the tip of his cock. inadvertently keith whines into the kiss, instinctively seeking out more or deep or whatever, but shiro's already pulling away before keith can pull him down. despite immediate disappointment, when he's a little less kiss fogged, he can at least find a pinch of relief in avoiding a hard on he's not entirely certain he's ready for shiro to see.

after all, how does one even begin to explain alien dick to somene you just started kissing?

he laughs airily, his expression soft as shiro speaks though. if having sex with others is an inevitability, then surely kissing must be too, right? but he can't bring himself to point out the obvious because shiro's smiling sweet and dopey and keith just wants to look at him. giving one shoulder a squeeze, keith mumurs quietly: ]

That mean you're gonna kiss me more to make up for the deficit?

[ that’s not an agreement. silly of him to even note it. afterall, he’s still very much aware that nothing said here is binding, not when so much of their lives are dictated by the warden. staying true to each other isn’t loyalty, not entirely. it’s luck. the thought is defeating in nature, but even with it at the forefront of his thoughts, shiro keeps his smile. ]

Yeah. I’ll keep you satisfied.

[ it’s easily said; cocksure and teasing. if keith plays nice, perhaps shiro will even make up for the past couple of weeks that he spent stuck in his head, hesitating on moving forward. he still has reservations; he isn’t without the fear that the natural feel of their bond will strain when they stray too far from the familiar boundaries of their friendship. seeing each other naked, kissing, even grinding together under the influence – they’ve done all that and yet they’re here, grinning and laughing together. so maybe sex won’t be the big, altering step he once thought it would be. ]

Just tell me what I wanna hear.

[ all said, i'll keep you satisfied is clearly a bit of teasing that's perfectly in line with the kind of playful banter they've been messing with. yet the cockiness of the declaration makes keith squirmyth, cheeks warming.

they're still only talking about kisses is what keith is quick to remind himself, but it's hard when they're positioned and dressed the way they are to keep his imagination from wandering. this whole time here, nobody has assured him of anything like that. even anon who comes closest to being someone keith can go to when he's craving more without fear of judgment hasn't made such assurances.

though, maybe agreeing to be a "good boy" is something akin to that?

fuck. was that anon's way of saying he'll take care of keith? intent is so much harder to read when there's balsa wood between them and keith is under no delusion that the guy wants anything from him other than a willing mouth and ass to fuck. keith blinks, not quite wanting to be thinking about anon at all right now, but he can't help wondering if shiro with all his gentle care will could actually satisfy him the way he's gotten used to.

nervously, keith wets his lips as he shifts his gaze away briefly, too ashamed to even look at shiro while thinking about the literal hole in the wall and the dick that comes poking through. keith takes a breath, then flicks his gaze back up to hold eye contact. kiss exclusivity ... right. ]

Just you. Only you get to kiss me like this.

[ the smile on his face is a little shy, but despite knowing better about the sanctity of his bodily autonomy or shiro's for that matter, the idea is something he's fond of. ]

...heh. Honestly I don't know if I even like being looked at when things get... you know. And afterwards, too. You're the only one I actually feel really relaxed around, you know? So I guess ... it goes without saying.

[ it’s weighty in a way he hasn’t readied himself for. he’s been teasing; genuinely, as far as cocky grins and playful pitches go, anticipating keith to rally back with another demand for shiro to hurry up with their mutually exclusive kisses. that’s keith though: the boy’s lethal, and not only with a blade in his hand. here, he’s got a shy look about him and soft words, the honesty so freely given that shiro’s disarmed by the end of it.

you know?

he can’t say he’s known this to be true, but he’s shamelessly revelled in the hope of it being true. he likes being keith’s favorite person, the one he feels most comfortable turning to, even if at times, shiro puts up boundaries that make it harder. it’s complicated. it’s shiro thinking too heavily about how things should be handled, rather than how he would like them to be handled. he’s getting better about being honest with himself though, as well as with keith, and so, he swallows back the reflex to edit his reciprocation, voice soft. ]

You’re that, too – for me.

[ he doesn’t want to turn this around to be about him. it’s not that. it’s that keith deserves to know that he’s a big comfort to shiro as well. has been, ever since he swooped in and rescued shiro from the garrison. ]

I don’t like people looking at me either, like they’re trying to make sense of what it is they’re seeing. They don’t understand. They can’t.

[ he pitches his weight onto his metal arm and balances out, lifting his other hand to run a palm to keith’s forehead, pushing back his bangs. ]

But you do. Maybe not about before, about what happened… but – you see me.

[ him. not the scars or the weird hair or the metal arm. not even the old title of the garrison’s golden boy like the other paladins do. it’s nice – to be seen in that way. he huffs a light, amused sound, part chiding in the way his smile grows wider. he rolls his eyes, looking away. ]

God, that was cheesy, wasn’t it? All that to say that I like looking at you and I like you looking at me. [ and you know what? he’s still not going to give keith much of a chance to get a word in edgewise, because shiro will be shoving an arm underneath keith’s shoulders and then pushing off, dragging keith through the roll that puts keith on top, shiro now with his back to the bed. ]

So, should I spoil you with kisses now or after we’ve crawled under the covers?

[ it's meant to be sweet; reciprocation is supposed to be affirming and wonderful. if keith were to be kind to himself, he'd accept it, too. shiro and him have more than a shared history, they save each other time and time again, ever since keith was just some scrappy kid with bruised knuckles and a permanently etched scowl on his face. their lives are so intertwined that keith genuinely no longer has any sense of who he'd even be without shiro's guidance. so if shiro thought he was being cheesy, the man's got nothing on the totality of how keith sees it.

allura had always thrown around the word destiny as it related to their lives as paladins. to this day, keith can't say that everything leading to voltron had ever felt so grand. if anything from that day felt like fate it was the prophesized landing that brought shiro back into his life. of course, keith never took that to mean that shiro and him were destined to be together, trading kisses and holding each other. the truth of the matter is that they might not ever be like this outside of this shitty prison facility.

but he kind of wants to believe in destiny, fate, whatever the fuck force it is that keeps them in each other's orbit against all odds and deying death itself.

but that all said? you see me leaves keith aching as shiro smils and rolls him on top. does he really see shiro? can anyone who didn't realize their best friend had been replaced by a clone truly be said to be seeing? positions reversed, keith looks down at shiro. the whole thing is ridiculous. dressed in a white tank top and a jock strap, this isn't the time to be having some kind of existential crisis. keith actually laughs at himself, as both hands again come up to cup shiro's face. ]

I ... I don't know about that. [ his smile is brittle here, but he tries to make up for it with a chaste peck to shiro's lips. ]

But I want to keep seeing you.

[ heartfelt, keith holds eye contact another moment, fingers moving up to brush through shiro's forelock before shuffling to tug at the covers. ]

Let's get under the covers. I don't want to have to move again.

[ the tremor that has keith stuttering on a word is all it takes. shiro’s expression wilts with that doubt. the wide stretch of his smile lessens, but keith gives him a kiss and it stops the fall. shiro’s lips freeze and so, he’s still smiling something small, curious, and concerned, although he’s trying not to give it too much power here, when keith pulls away. he thinks – as he always does when there’s misalignment between them – of everything he’s yet to experience. he feels silly in the aftermath. like he’s been gently chided, as one would a child or someone wholly incapable of understanding. that’s him, he supposes. someone stuck in a past this keith has already lived.

staring up at keith, shiro considers asking, but as always, he shies away from knowing too much and lets the moment go in favor of relaxing into the play of keith’s fingers. he’s had months to ask; he’s not going to spoil this hard won moment by finally sating morbid curiosity. that’s his justification, but there’s more to it too. cowardice. he’s already dealing with a past he can hardly stomach, he doesn’t want to imagine a future that has keith making faces like that. ]

Okay.

[ he strengthens his smile with a little force, giving keith room to shuffle and tug, before he gets himself moving. covers pulled back, pillows properly arranged – shiro gets his legs tucked underneath and then pauses, considering the sleeve of his left arm.

keith’s seen him. keith’s seen all of him. and – i want to keep seeing you. it’s not this; it isn’t so literal. but shiro takes a breath and then pulls at the hem, drawing the long sleeved shirt up and off, tossing it toward the foot of the bed. he gives keith a look that reads something close to is this okay, before he turns his gaze away and shuffles further down, getting his head to the pillow. lying down on his side, he stretches out his legs and points his toes until his ankles give a satisfying pop. he sighs out and closes his eyes, reaching for keith. ]

Feels like a dream compared to the cot, huh?

[ keith knows he's messed up. the fracturing of shiro's expression is hard to watch, and once again has to wonder if he's doing the right thing by keeping the truth of what's happened to shiro in his reality away from thie shiro beside him. after all, they might not even be from the same reality so who's to say that this shiro's fate is already carved in stone?

but no. there's no point in torturing shiro with possibility when he's already dealing with enough as it is just by existing in yet another alien prison. unless shiro puts him in the position of having to tell the truth, keith won't because ....

because i love you?

he goes a little pink with the thought, and warmer still as shiro pulls the long sleeved shirt up over his head to expose his sculpted chest and arms. despite what shiro says about people staring like they're trying to figure him out, keith privately thinks they're just staring because he's so gorgeous to look at. he nods at the hesitant look, then carefully scoots under the covers as well, head resting on a downy pillow. ]

Honestly? This whole thing right now feels a little like a dream.

[ he laughs soft and shy, rolling onto his side to face shiro. instinctively, he starts lifting his hand then pauses. ]

Heh. I don't know where you'd be most comfortable with me putting my hand. I think I'm overthinking.

[ a little. certain parts, at least. like how shiro flutters his lashes and sees keith there, face half hidden in the pillow. he’s pink and he’s sweet, dreamlike in the way this moment feels hazy and sluggish, dosed in comfort. but the feeling isn’t absolute. other parts stand out and shiro thinks, no, if this were truly a dream, the white in his hair would be gone, as would the metal posing as his right arm. both of them would be without scars, too. maybe then, keith wouldn’t hesitate in reaching for him.

perhaps he should have left the shirt on. last time they were like this, shiro had. keith’s touch had come easier then, with that thin, yet welcome barrier to cover all the odd patches of skin once ripped, gouged and ruined, left to knit itself back together.

his smile is lopsided. it’s hard to tell when half his face is hidden as well, but it is, with the apparent side pulling hard enough to plump his cheek. it hurts, a little, to force the smile. he doesn’t begrudge keith though. he doesn’t let the hesitation fester into doubt either. he reaches out with this flesh hand – because shiro is purposeful and aware, having intentionally picked the side of the bed that would put him down on his right, metal arm now safely tucked underneath his own pillow. he reaches for keith and grasps his stalled hand, drawing it around to lay it over his waist.

there’s a scar there, if keith trails his fingertips up to his lats, where four claw marks taper down into fine points. this is better though. this side is clear. it’s his right side that is a mess of jagged lines, courtesy of that fucking witch. ]

You can avoid them. [ he drapes his arm over keith, pulling him in closer. ] You don’t have to pretend to –

[ his words don’t soften or trail off. they simply stop. like he suddenly realizes he has no words for what he’s trying to say. what is he trying to say? keith doesn’t need to pretend to like them? shiro doesn’t need to be coddled or told anything. he certainly doesn’t need gentle, reverent touches that are more fake than genuine, tracing scarred tissue.

so no overthinking. no special treatment. this is no big deal. ]

[ avoid? keith binks, not quite following the logic until it hits him all at once with all the clarity of a suckerpunch to the gut. grimacing visibly, keith draws in closer, the hand draped over shiro's waist tightening ever so slightly. ]

I didn't -- I wasn't thinking about your scars or anything. I just meant I wasn't sure if touching like this would be pushing the whole ... doing things at our own pace. Especially since you know... [ he fidgets, biting his lip briefly. ] ...Since I may as well just not be wearing underwear right now.

[ keith trails off here, uncertain if he's explaining or overexplaining. one thing's for damn sure -- he's overthinking. he spreads his fingers slightly, thumb lightly grazing over a ridge of scar tissue. again, keith hesitates, but it's just for a beat and then he shifts his whole hand up higher to map out the parallel lines of uneven tissue. ]

There's nothing about you that I want to avoid, Shiro.

[ but is that even true? well, he can't be avoiding something shiro doesn't know he's avoiding. but knowing that's a cheap fuckign copout, keith adds: ]

But I guess it helps to know you want me in.

[ oh. that’s – oh. so shiro’s feeling chided again, though this time it’s well deserved. sheepishness floods his system and it’s hard to maintain eye contact, his gradually drifting to the side where keith’s hair frame his cheekbone. his arm is over keith’s, with his hand curled into the middle of the boy’s back; far away from the bareness of his ass. still. the mention has shiro’s fingers pressing into keith’s spine, wanting badly to map the line down. he doesn’t, however, because keith’s fingers splay too and now, shiro’s breath gives a tiny hitch, body going rigid for a split second of unknowing, before he lets go of that panicked feeling he doesn’t even fully understand.

it’s not a big deal, he means it. he’s been with a handful of people now, been seen and touted like a prize while people have gawked. he can handle people looking, judging, even touching; it’s not like the state of his body is a hairpin trigger, waiting to go off. the graze of keith’s fingers isn’t so terrible though. he can’t say he likes it, but he doesn’t hate it, which means something. maybe it’s just that he trusts keith. or maybe it’s that the words that follow have him feeling hopeful, just a smidge. either way, he gives up on studying the waviness of keith’s hair and meets his gaze. ]

I do.

[ want to let him in. eventually. someday. somehow. he doesn’t know how to though, not yet, not fully. so he has to wonder… does he ever figure it out? ]

Did… your Shiro ever talk about it? [ he shifts his face closer across the pillow, subconsciously seeking comfort. ] Captivity.

[ your shiro. it hits differently than the two words, i died back in the infinite void, but they still cut open a black hole in his chest. your shiro.

right. his shiro. the one with white hair, alive in a clone of his own body. his shiro who would rather be flying with pidge in the green lion during the long voyage back to earth than be anywhere near him and the lion he was trapped inside. keith bites his lip. no. he isn't being fair. shiro had flown with him in the beginning, but then... it's not like they could talk about anything. not with krolia there and coran singing the latin alphabet.

his shiro. how would his shiro feel about keith kissing and cuddling yet another version of him? as if the clone thing wasn't fucked up enough. and how would this shiro's keith feel about any of what's happening in prison? keith briefly closes his eyes and forces out a laugh. it hurts his head to think about it, and finds no ready asnwer to the growing doubt about whether any of this is a good idea.

but. i love you. the clone had more or less told him to forget about it and "his" shiro never saw fit to bring it back up. it doesn't matter -- not really, because the words were only ever intended to make shiro stop fighting. but all the same, keith's fracturing expression spells out his answer before he's verbally given one. ]

...no.

[ he swallows, feeling smaller somehow. like he's the bearer of some disappointing news. keith lets his gaze drop to shiro's collar bone, index idly tracing up and down scar tissue. ]

He didn't. But he had his reasons, I think. [ a slew of horrible reasons. ] ... like you, I guess.

[ so much for this feeling like a dream. hard to imagine that five minutes ago, he’d been pressing smiles to keith’s lips. it’s unconscionable. everything's unraveled so quickly; so much so that shiro’s feeling a touch winded from the tumbling decline. shouldn’t have brought it up is the loud, resounding thought in his head. the scars had been a misstep, one of misunderstanding that still could have been cleared up with a tighter hold and a dip closer, one that spelled out just how dearly shiro wants to let keith in. but he’s muddled it up, instead using words that have dug the hole deeper.

just – bringing mention of another man into their bed? it’s made even stranger by the fact that the other man is technically him.

he flattens his lips together, marginally drawing them inward as he watches keith watch a seemingly fascinating patch of skin near his collarbone. it’s discouraging, both in the way keith shies away from him and in the idea that this shiro’s future holds the possibility that he will never find peace with his past. it’s possible, he supposes, that he does, and simply never breathes a word to anyone about it. unlikely, he thinks shortly thereafter, because keith’s reaction is downtrodden and meek. he doesn’t get better, does he? maybe he even gets worse.

if that isn’t motivation to talk through the mess in his head, he doesn’t know what is. even so, reluctance closes his throat. he’s not ready. he doesn’t know where to start. why did he bring it up if it wasn’t going to go anywhere? ]

I’m still figuring it out myself… maybe he is too. There’s a lot to… unpack. [ it feels odd to talk about himself, like he’s another entity. he is, of course. he isn’t this keith’s shiro. there’s nothing that says he’ll even age into this keith’s shiro. it’s even odder then, to defend the other shiro; to speak on his behalf, as though to soften any hurt feelings keith has when thinking of him. he feels obligated in some small way, because when their sentences are complete, they all go back to their own realities, right? he wants this keith to want to go back to his shiro, too. that’s the shiro he belongs too.

he tries for an encouraging smile, managing to pull off a half-way decent one. ]

And with the war going on, I know he’d wanna keep strong for the team by burying his issues. [ a beat and a forced laugh. ] Fake it until you make it – a flaw of all Shiros it seems.

[ inappropriate laughter tickles his throat. a lot to unpack is an understatement and a half, but what can keith do other than offer a non-committal hum of agreement? again, he won't torture the shiro who isn't "his" shiro with talk of a future that might not apply, no matter how much the lie by omission makes him want to dissociate. gaze still fixed on collar bone, keith exhales slowly. ]

Well. You're stubborn as hell. Wouldn't be you without that.

[ for better or for worse. though meant more affectionately than anything else, keith isn't quite able to muster up the ability to make it sound convincingly cheerful. his shiro vs this shiro. it's the only time they've really acknowledged there's a whole space-time continuum or reality between them, and while it's ... something to have it confirmed they're both dwelling on the same miserable thought that goes nowhere, it leaves nothing but an increasingly bitter aftertaste in keith's mouth. ]

But it's not like we're really a team here. You don't need to be strong for anyone.

[ uh huh. if shiro’s considered stubborn, then what does that make keith? the question is silent, yet amused, the words in his head drawing out an easier smile. it is, unfortunately, only a brief reprieve, and soon enough, he’s back to it, slugging through murky, unhappy thoughts. he does, however, finally do something about keith’s reluctance to look at him. he can’t force him to look, no, but he can draw his hand back to brush his knuckles against the underside of keith’s chin. shaving off another inch by nuzzling his face closer might help too, especially with him now brushing hair from keith’s face to behind his ear. ]

We’re still a team.

[ he reminds gently, voice tired, like he’s had to say this one too many times. he hasn’t though, not aoud. he’s reminded himself of this many times instead. they’re still a team, even though none of the other paladins are from shiro’s timeline and none of them run drills or check in with each other on the daily. they’re still a team because: ]

We still look out for one another. We know we can depend on each other when it counts.

[ and then he’s stalling on the next word, the shift in his expression speaking the contradictory word before he breathes life into it. ]

But maybe you’re right. I’m not leading any of you anymore. The other three seem to be doing fine. You, too.

[ the brush of fingers across his face at least makes keith look up again. shiro is right, of course, that they do all look out for each other, but depending in each other? no. after what happened at the lighthouse, keith is still digging his heels in when it comes to relying on his teammates to do anything that might get them in trouble. he knows better than to say it, of course. keith isn't so antagonizing as to revisit something they've already argued about, nor is he quite callus enough to say anything to make the dismal look on shiro's face spiral even further.

it's ... weird, honestly. so shiro can concede that they're a team in spirit, though perhaps not in practice. but it's how he presents the idea of him no longer being a leader in saddened tones that makes keith really take pause. does he want to lead? does he not know how to be if he's not leading? brow furrowing, keith holds eye contact for an extended beat. ]

...but you're not?

[ wasn't shiro the one making the most progress on his sentence? or is this about something else entirely? either way, after another beat keith raises his other hand, pressing the palm lightly against a broad shoulder. ]

And you know that even if you aren't leading, that doesn't mean you're not important, right?

[ to shiro’s credit, he doesn’t look away. he wants to; the moment the question is finished and out, something inside him shrinks back and the rest of his body wants to follow suit. he hates this feeling of being cornered. there’s care in keith’s voice, as well as his eyes, so shiro doesn’t bristle or shut down as he so often does whenever his well-being is overanalyzed. besides, it’s the logical question to ask when shiro’s been circling around the elephant in the room, hinting but never divulging any solid details about his mental state.

expression knotting up, light and fleeting, with a frown that doesn’t stick, shiro drapes his arm over keith again and holds him comfortably, by the end of his movements, an exhausted little smile fixing to his mouth. ]

I know.

[ it’s sweet in delivery but it tastes bitter. tastes like a lie. ]

I’m okay, Keith. I didn’t mean to insinuate that I’m not.

[ he’s doing well. he’s working through his sheet and checking in with the others from time to time, to ensure they’re navigating prison life well enough. he’s functioning. he’s managing. he’s fine. he sucks in a breath and holds it a second, then two, longer than his usual steady flow, considering his words. keep the reassurances going or shed a touch of honesty?

helps to know you want me in.

he breathes out, thumb high and brushing at the back of keith’s tank, right where it scoops low and borders skin. ]

I guess, it’s just I kind of miss it. The team. The purpose. The being something more than inmate AA0021.

[ sounds sick, doesn’t it? to miss voltron when having voltron means war. ]

[ the concerned look on keith's face stays exactly as until shiro drops the polite brush off and actually gives keith an answer. though keith had been entirely sincere in saying that he doesn't want to avoid anything that shiro's troubled by, he knows the guy carries a lot of demons and he doesn't have the confidence to say he can definitively make anything better.

keith's gaze never leaves shiro's face, but his expression softens with comprehension. as predicted, keith really doesn't know what to say to that. insofar that him and lance have ever talked about the team in that first month when it was just the two of them, they'd both agreed everyone else needed to be back in their reality. certainly the way the others are acting now, keith wouldn't be convinced any of them necessarily miss being a team. miss flying, maybe. miss home, definitely. but the actual team and the purpose the war gave them? keith couldn't say, but probably not.

but taking the focus off of the others, does keith himself miss voltron? "miss" is a tricky word. keith has unfinished business that he wants to see through to the end, but there's sentimental value here that fits a little like a shoe on the wrong foot. keith swallows, drawing a slow circle on the small of shiro''s back. ]

You know nobody can take away everything you've accomplished from you. Or your purpose. You're not AA0021 -- no matter how hard they try. You're Shiro and the leader of Voltron. That'll be true even when the war's won and over.

[ nobody can take away his accomplishments – like galaxy garrison took away his legacy and dragged his name through the mud? and his purpose? these aliens have. he’s the imagined figurehead of a team that is fragmented at best and disbanded at worst. what about aa0021? the galra had a title for him too. champion. that followed him, even with him far away from the arena and the forced bloodlust. sendak called him a broken soldier and sometimes, shiro thinks he’s right. there is no reclaiming of his past self. too many pieces have been carved away and rese into something ugly and unrecognizable.

voltron helped. voltron was the ultimate distraction. five paladins, five lions, and two alteans equipped with a castleship against an intergalactic empire was, truth be told, a pending death sentence. shiro thrived on the impossible odds of winning though. pouring the last shreds of himself into that singular goal kept him on a straight and narrow; not one necessarily to recovery, but a line to salvation. he could become something worthy and just again: shed golden boy and champion, and fit himself with a paladin of voltron. nothing trumps that, right?

but now he’s aa0021. he doesn’t even have his paladin armor here. he has nothing to tie him to who he’d been before. not until he finishes his sentence; not until the others finish their sentences first, actually. then they’ll go home and…

win?

he tries to enjoy the twirling of keith’s fingers, but he’s tense with uncertainty, his mood nowhere high enough to match the smile he forces. ]

Do you really believe that?

[ shiro’s the one with the pep talks and the optimistic speeches. it’s nice, he supposes, to hear keith take over. ]

That we’ll make it out? That we’ll actually win?

[ keith blinks. of course, they've all questioned this at some point or another, but shiro's never been the one to give voice to that doubt. as disconcerting as that is, it's also real, isn't it? keith would never say that shiro's pep talks didn't come from a sincere place, but the fact that he's sharing his doubts is oddly reassuring. whether it's appropriate or not, keith actually relaxes, bumping his forehead lightly to shiro's jaw as he lets out a soft: ]

Heh. We can make it through anything.

[ there are plenty of reasons not to think so. after all, his shiro did die at the conclusion of their battle with zarkon. but he also managed to rescue his shiro from within the black lion's consciousness with allura's aid. it's not the most optimistic of motivations, but it does give keith reason to believe that yes, they can make it out. ]

Can't promise we won't get a little more banged up on the way there, but ... we've got each other to keep things going in the right direction. Never giving up on each other, remember?

reparacija ic inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)