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« Shiro »
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Hi, this is Shiro.
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[ your shiro. it hits differently than the two words, i died back in the infinite void, but they still cut open a black hole in his chest. your shiro.

right. his shiro. the one with white hair, alive in a clone of his own body. his shiro who would rather be flying with pidge in the green lion during the long voyage back to earth than be anywhere near him and the lion he was trapped inside. keith bites his lip. no. he isn't being fair. shiro had flown with him in the beginning, but then... it's not like they could talk about anything. not with krolia there and coran singing the latin alphabet.

his shiro. how would his shiro feel about keith kissing and cuddling yet another version of him? as if the clone thing wasn't fucked up enough. and how would this shiro's keith feel about any of what's happening in prison? keith briefly closes his eyes and forces out a laugh. it hurts his head to think about it, and finds no ready asnwer to the growing doubt about whether any of this is a good idea.

but. i love you. the clone had more or less told him to forget about it and "his" shiro never saw fit to bring it back up. it doesn't matter -- not really, because the words were only ever intended to make shiro stop fighting. but all the same, keith's fracturing expression spells out his answer before he's verbally given one. ]

...no.

[ he swallows, feeling smaller somehow. like he's the bearer of some disappointing news. keith lets his gaze drop to shiro's collar bone, index idly tracing up and down scar tissue. ]

He didn't. But he had his reasons, I think. [ a slew of horrible reasons. ] ... like you, I guess.

[ so much for this feeling like a dream. hard to imagine that five minutes ago, he’d been pressing smiles to keith’s lips. it’s unconscionable. everything's unraveled so quickly; so much so that shiro’s feeling a touch winded from the tumbling decline. shouldn’t have brought it up is the loud, resounding thought in his head. the scars had been a misstep, one of misunderstanding that still could have been cleared up with a tighter hold and a dip closer, one that spelled out just how dearly shiro wants to let keith in. but he’s muddled it up, instead using words that have dug the hole deeper.

just – bringing mention of another man into their bed? it’s made even stranger by the fact that the other man is technically him.

he flattens his lips together, marginally drawing them inward as he watches keith watch a seemingly fascinating patch of skin near his collarbone. it’s discouraging, both in the way keith shies away from him and in the idea that this shiro’s future holds the possibility that he will never find peace with his past. it’s possible, he supposes, that he does, and simply never breathes a word to anyone about it. unlikely, he thinks shortly thereafter, because keith’s reaction is downtrodden and meek. he doesn’t get better, does he? maybe he even gets worse.

if that isn’t motivation to talk through the mess in his head, he doesn’t know what is. even so, reluctance closes his throat. he’s not ready. he doesn’t know where to start. why did he bring it up if it wasn’t going to go anywhere? ]

I’m still figuring it out myself… maybe he is too. There’s a lot to… unpack. [ it feels odd to talk about himself, like he’s another entity. he is, of course. he isn’t this keith’s shiro. there’s nothing that says he’ll even age into this keith’s shiro. it’s even odder then, to defend the other shiro; to speak on his behalf, as though to soften any hurt feelings keith has when thinking of him. he feels obligated in some small way, because when their sentences are complete, they all go back to their own realities, right? he wants this keith to want to go back to his shiro, too. that’s the shiro he belongs too.

he tries for an encouraging smile, managing to pull off a half-way decent one. ]

And with the war going on, I know he’d wanna keep strong for the team by burying his issues. [ a beat and a forced laugh. ] Fake it until you make it – a flaw of all Shiros it seems.

[ inappropriate laughter tickles his throat. a lot to unpack is an understatement and a half, but what can keith do other than offer a non-committal hum of agreement? again, he won't torture the shiro who isn't "his" shiro with talk of a future that might not apply, no matter how much the lie by omission makes him want to dissociate. gaze still fixed on collar bone, keith exhales slowly. ]

Well. You're stubborn as hell. Wouldn't be you without that.

[ for better or for worse. though meant more affectionately than anything else, keith isn't quite able to muster up the ability to make it sound convincingly cheerful. his shiro vs this shiro. it's the only time they've really acknowledged there's a whole space-time continuum or reality between them, and while it's ... something to have it confirmed they're both dwelling on the same miserable thought that goes nowhere, it leaves nothing but an increasingly bitter aftertaste in keith's mouth. ]

But it's not like we're really a team here. You don't need to be strong for anyone.

[ uh huh. if shiro’s considered stubborn, then what does that make keith? the question is silent, yet amused, the words in his head drawing out an easier smile. it is, unfortunately, only a brief reprieve, and soon enough, he’s back to it, slugging through murky, unhappy thoughts. he does, however, finally do something about keith’s reluctance to look at him. he can’t force him to look, no, but he can draw his hand back to brush his knuckles against the underside of keith’s chin. shaving off another inch by nuzzling his face closer might help too, especially with him now brushing hair from keith’s face to behind his ear. ]

We’re still a team.

[ he reminds gently, voice tired, like he’s had to say this one too many times. he hasn’t though, not aoud. he’s reminded himself of this many times instead. they’re still a team, even though none of the other paladins are from shiro’s timeline and none of them run drills or check in with each other on the daily. they’re still a team because: ]

We still look out for one another. We know we can depend on each other when it counts.

[ and then he’s stalling on the next word, the shift in his expression speaking the contradictory word before he breathes life into it. ]

But maybe you’re right. I’m not leading any of you anymore. The other three seem to be doing fine. You, too.

[ the brush of fingers across his face at least makes keith look up again. shiro is right, of course, that they do all look out for each other, but depending in each other? no. after what happened at the lighthouse, keith is still digging his heels in when it comes to relying on his teammates to do anything that might get them in trouble. he knows better than to say it, of course. keith isn't so antagonizing as to revisit something they've already argued about, nor is he quite callus enough to say anything to make the dismal look on shiro's face spiral even further.

it's ... weird, honestly. so shiro can concede that they're a team in spirit, though perhaps not in practice. but it's how he presents the idea of him no longer being a leader in saddened tones that makes keith really take pause. does he want to lead? does he not know how to be if he's not leading? brow furrowing, keith holds eye contact for an extended beat. ]

...but you're not?

[ wasn't shiro the one making the most progress on his sentence? or is this about something else entirely? either way, after another beat keith raises his other hand, pressing the palm lightly against a broad shoulder. ]

And you know that even if you aren't leading, that doesn't mean you're not important, right?

[ to shiro’s credit, he doesn’t look away. he wants to; the moment the question is finished and out, something inside him shrinks back and the rest of his body wants to follow suit. he hates this feeling of being cornered. there’s care in keith’s voice, as well as his eyes, so shiro doesn’t bristle or shut down as he so often does whenever his well-being is overanalyzed. besides, it’s the logical question to ask when shiro’s been circling around the elephant in the room, hinting but never divulging any solid details about his mental state.

expression knotting up, light and fleeting, with a frown that doesn’t stick, shiro drapes his arm over keith again and holds him comfortably, by the end of his movements, an exhausted little smile fixing to his mouth. ]

I know.

[ it’s sweet in delivery but it tastes bitter. tastes like a lie. ]

I’m okay, Keith. I didn’t mean to insinuate that I’m not.

[ he’s doing well. he’s working through his sheet and checking in with the others from time to time, to ensure they’re navigating prison life well enough. he’s functioning. he’s managing. he’s fine. he sucks in a breath and holds it a second, then two, longer than his usual steady flow, considering his words. keep the reassurances going or shed a touch of honesty?

helps to know you want me in.

he breathes out, thumb high and brushing at the back of keith’s tank, right where it scoops low and borders skin. ]

I guess, it’s just I kind of miss it. The team. The purpose. The being something more than inmate AA0021.

[ sounds sick, doesn’t it? to miss voltron when having voltron means war. ]

[ the concerned look on keith's face stays exactly as until shiro drops the polite brush off and actually gives keith an answer. though keith had been entirely sincere in saying that he doesn't want to avoid anything that shiro's troubled by, he knows the guy carries a lot of demons and he doesn't have the confidence to say he can definitively make anything better.

keith's gaze never leaves shiro's face, but his expression softens with comprehension. as predicted, keith really doesn't know what to say to that. insofar that him and lance have ever talked about the team in that first month when it was just the two of them, they'd both agreed everyone else needed to be back in their reality. certainly the way the others are acting now, keith wouldn't be convinced any of them necessarily miss being a team. miss flying, maybe. miss home, definitely. but the actual team and the purpose the war gave them? keith couldn't say, but probably not.

but taking the focus off of the others, does keith himself miss voltron? "miss" is a tricky word. keith has unfinished business that he wants to see through to the end, but there's sentimental value here that fits a little like a shoe on the wrong foot. keith swallows, drawing a slow circle on the small of shiro''s back. ]

You know nobody can take away everything you've accomplished from you. Or your purpose. You're not AA0021 -- no matter how hard they try. You're Shiro and the leader of Voltron. That'll be true even when the war's won and over.

[ nobody can take away his accomplishments – like galaxy garrison took away his legacy and dragged his name through the mud? and his purpose? these aliens have. he’s the imagined figurehead of a team that is fragmented at best and disbanded at worst. what about aa0021? the galra had a title for him too. champion. that followed him, even with him far away from the arena and the forced bloodlust. sendak called him a broken soldier and sometimes, shiro thinks he’s right. there is no reclaiming of his past self. too many pieces have been carved away and rese into something ugly and unrecognizable.

voltron helped. voltron was the ultimate distraction. five paladins, five lions, and two alteans equipped with a castleship against an intergalactic empire was, truth be told, a pending death sentence. shiro thrived on the impossible odds of winning though. pouring the last shreds of himself into that singular goal kept him on a straight and narrow; not one necessarily to recovery, but a line to salvation. he could become something worthy and just again: shed golden boy and champion, and fit himself with a paladin of voltron. nothing trumps that, right?

but now he’s aa0021. he doesn’t even have his paladin armor here. he has nothing to tie him to who he’d been before. not until he finishes his sentence; not until the others finish their sentences first, actually. then they’ll go home and…

win?

he tries to enjoy the twirling of keith’s fingers, but he’s tense with uncertainty, his mood nowhere high enough to match the smile he forces. ]

Do you really believe that?

[ shiro’s the one with the pep talks and the optimistic speeches. it’s nice, he supposes, to hear keith take over. ]

That we’ll make it out? That we’ll actually win?

[ keith blinks. of course, they've all questioned this at some point or another, but shiro's never been the one to give voice to that doubt. as disconcerting as that is, it's also real, isn't it? keith would never say that shiro's pep talks didn't come from a sincere place, but the fact that he's sharing his doubts is oddly reassuring. whether it's appropriate or not, keith actually relaxes, bumping his forehead lightly to shiro's jaw as he lets out a soft: ]

Heh. We can make it through anything.

[ there are plenty of reasons not to think so. after all, his shiro did die at the conclusion of their battle with zarkon. but he also managed to rescue his shiro from within the black lion's consciousness with allura's aid. it's not the most optimistic of motivations, but it does give keith reason to believe that yes, they can make it out. ]

Can't promise we won't get a little more banged up on the way there, but ... we've got each other to keep things going in the right direction. Never giving up on each other, remember?

[ the optimism is expected. of course keith isn’t going to cut shiro down and say no, he doesn’t believe there’s a victory waiting for them at the end of this. that’s not the part that comforts shiro. it’s the way in which keith frames it: never giving up on each other. the strain around his eyes and his mouth relaxes, the whole of his expression softening from the rush of gratitude, hope, affection.

this close, all it takes is a slight angling of his chin and a puff of exhale for his breath to fan across keith’s bangs. pushing his hand up then, he weaves his fingers into keith’s hair, cupping the back of his skull. ]

Yeah. [ and a softer: ] I remember.

[ he’s smiling, though with the angle, it’s solely for himself. that is until he nudges his face closer and pushes that smile to keith’s forehead. the kiss lands on both skin and hair, but shiro is unbothered by his miscalculated aim, lingering for a solid three beats before pulling back with a soft sound. ]

Thanks, Keith. [ it might be a simple, even inadequate response, but it’s heartfelt. ] It’s easier to believe it… hearing you say it.

[ part of the reason keith hadn't wanted to be leader is the fact that he's never been gifted with words. he can't be trusted to come up with motivational speeches on the fly or recite anything to drump up the will to fight against impossible odds. of course, he meant what he said sincerely, but even so he's still not sure if shiro is so easily reassured.

the press of lips to his forehead at least eases some of that uncertainty in keith's head, but it also makes him laugh inadvertently. who's soothing who? unbelievable. he peeks up, shifting until they're back to seeing eye to eye literally, like that might accomplish the same metaphorically. ]

Hey. You can tell me you're not convinced. I can take it. I'm a big boy, you know.

[ he grins, this time leaning in to press their foreheads together, hand firm on shiro's back. ]

I just... I know there's nothing I can say that'll really take your mind off of everything going on in your head. All I want is for you to know that you really don't have to be alone in it. It's like you said, we're a team. Voltron or not, even if it's just the two of us, we're together.

[ shiro, too, is a Big Boy and as a Big Boy often lies when it comes to doubt and feeling. so no, he will not keep down this road. he took a few baby steps; they felt good and he feels good now too… but he’s done, only allowing himself the comfort of keith’s last reassurances before cutting himself off. hand still cupping the back of keith’s skull, shiro keeps keith close. ]

Yeah. [ he smiles with the word, relief touching his voice. ] We’re together. As a team and… as something else, too.

[ boyfriends comes to mind but such titles feel presumptions. friends with benefits is the next one, but that doesn’t sound right either. they’re somewhere in the middle, undefined. that’s okay though, being their own thing; their relationship has always been unique and unconventional, might as well keep the streak going. he untangles his fingers and smoothes his hand down keith’s nape along his spine. ]

A something that comes with you staying over more often, so we can work on our spooning and kissing, both of which are very important to our something-building.

[ something-building, like team-building, get it? he doesn’t mean to make jokes after a heart-to-heart, it’s just learned deflection. it’s habit. before the moment can settle and start eating away at him for showing his vulnerabilities, he has to change the mood. so excuse him, for smiling and teasing, like he hadn’t been talking about doubting victory and survival three minutes ago.

they’re already close. shiro’s voice continues to drop with each word, eyelids drooping. ]

Actually, we were doing that… [ he angles his face and brushes in. ] … Wanna…?

[ if there’s a response, shiro swallows it up by pressing his mouth to keith’s. that’s how they spend the rest of the evening. trading kisses and kissing more – or deeper, depending on who is asked – both boys have pink, kiss-swollen lips by the time they relax into an easy embrace, both settling in for a good night’s rest. however, they do not, in fact, practice their spooning, which is why keith will wake up to a hand on his ass, fingers clutching one cheek. ]

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