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« Shiro »
[ TEXT + AUDIO + VIDEO + ACTION ]

Hi, this is Shiro.
Sorry I'm unavailable at the moment,
but leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

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[ it’s not that shiro takes offense to it. shiro’s not sure what the chain of command is between the lot of them anymore, but at the very least, he likes to think them friends. besides, they’ve been in enough compromising situations, some ridiculous and most life or death, that they might as well be on more personal terms.

still – shiro’s currently blindsided, wondering where this has come from, to even begin to answer it properly. ]

Huh? Why would you wanna hear about that?

[ give him a sec, lance. just gotta get over the initial hurdle. ]

[ oh boy. how does he explain this without sounding ridiculous? in all seriousness, it is something he'd wondered before, but then it had been due to his own curiosity and not something he'd ever outright ask. and then this place happened. ]

I, um... well, that is, I was kinda hoping...

[ okay, there's no way to do this without sounding ridiculous, so it's probably best to just open his mouth and let the words come out. ]

Because I'm trying to figure me out and I don't have anything to base it on because I never-- well, you know... so I thought that maybe if I knew how it went for you then it might help make things make a little more sense to me? And like, maybe I just missed something before? If that makes sense...?

[ it's been a while since his admission to keith, and it's been plaguing him ever since, leaving him wanting to try and put a finger on things so he can stop driving himself crazy. ]

[ yes, yes, when in doubt, open thy mouth and let the words out: excellent proverb to follow, lance. shiro will be following something similar, though less on the rambly side and more so on the incredulous. ]

… Are you trying to say that you’re maybe attracted to guys and that you want to compare notes with me, to make sure that’s what it is?

[ BEFORE THEY START, he just wants to be sure. ]

[ there's caution in his voice, not because he's wary, but because he's trying to put words to something that he's only ever really somewhat acknowledged out loud. ]

Kind of?

[ no, there's no maybe about it. ]

Okay, yeah, that-- that's what I'm saying.

[ well. huh. he… did not expect that. he’s always known lance to be a particularly vocal flirt, even to the detriment of a mission, with the recipients always of the female kind. so he’s – surprised. thrown, once again. momentarily going silent on his end.

but he’s quick to emphasize. after all, it’s not like he has any room to judge or question. he’s discovered quite a few things about his sexual preferences here, as well. ]

Well, uhm…

[ clears his throat. ]

I’m not any sort of authority on the subject. My experience may very well be different from your own – which doesn’t make either less valid or true. [ a pause, a quiet breath, and then a gentler: ] It might help better if you talk out what it is you’re feeling.

[ from that initial takeoff, he's pretty sure he might have some explaining to do, which is fine. he can handle that. ]

Okay, so like, I know what you're probably thinking, and you're not necessarily wrong... it's just that nobody's ever bothered to ask the right questions, and I'm not gonna go broadcasting things. Like, it's never been a secret or anything. Girls are just more fun to flirt with and I don't gotta worry about getting punched in the face for a wrong assumption.

[ in his mind, there's no difference between thinking a guy is attractive versus a girl, and being turned down had never been too big a deal because even though he kept his flirting toward women, he could reassure himself that for every girl that said no, there was a guy who'd say yes... even if he never approached them or gave them reason to approach him. he'd never even bothered to consider himself with a guy because there was always a pretty girl he could dote on. then allura came along and he threw everything into her, even though he knows she's not really interested.

but there's another reason for this, and that's because this place and its stupid misconducts happened, and it forced him to acknowledge that part of him that he'd always swept under the rug and never gave more than a passing thought to. ]

You gotta promise me that you're not gonna flip out on me for this, okay?

[ without waiting for an answer, lance takes a slow, deep breath and launches into it. ]

Okay, so um... you know I went to the lighthouse with Keith and Angel, right? Well, we kinda got in trouble, which you also probably know about, because I don't really see Keith keeping you in the dark about that. Anyway, I spent three days stuck in solitary which was so not fun, had to make a public apology which was also not fun, had something else added to my sentence so now I have tattoos on there, and I had to-

[ he falters, pausing to find the right words. ]

-to let anyone do whatever they wanted to me for three days. I got really lucky that there weren't a whole lot of us here at the time because I had one hit that panned out, but I freaked because I didn't know the guy and it kinda creeped me out, and when I told Keith about it, he asked me to meet him at the pool, and because he said it, I had to do it, so I went and we talked about it a while and then we decided that talking there was probably a bad idea in case there were people listening so we went to his place and things happened and I kinda sorta maybe might've slept with Keith and now I feel really bad about it because I took something from him that I can't give back.

[ breathe. and try it again, but slower. ]

I made him have to waste firsts on me that he should've spent on someone he actually likes and not someone who annoys him to death, and I know he said it was fine, but it's not and I can't fix that... and what's even worse is that I didn't hate it. And now I just... I dunno what to do.

[ help me obi-wan shirobi, you're my only hope! ]

[ lance. when securing a verbal contract, you gotta wait until the other person agrees. in this case, lance asks shiro not to flip out and silence is not an okay to start blabbering. because that’s as far as shiro gets: complete silence. the question in itself is a huge red flag and it’s enough to give shiro pause, something in his gut telling him that he ought to start bracing himself. but what could lance possibly say that could ever cause shiro to lose his cool? … okay, a lot of things, actually. the man constantly quoting taglines of patience isn’t so patient himself when it comes to ridiculous flirting and the off the wall comments the blue paladin is prone to.

but shiro knows a thing or two about the pains of coming out and being honest with one’s sexuality, so he isn’t about to judge or shame him, even if he’s about to hear a little too much about the kinks lance’s discovered in this prison…? oh god, this isn’t going to be a kink discussion, is it? how in depth is lance going to go? very, is the answer, but not in terms of kinks. it’s a retelling of events shiro already knows and then events he doesn’t know at all. he’s talking so fast. he isn’t pausing often to breathe. and it’s distracting, to the point that shiro becomes slightly more concerned about that than events that happened half a year ago. except, then there’s –

kinda
sorta
maybe

and before shiro can feel further exasperation for the excessiveness… there it is. there’s the reason lance wanted him to promise. it’s funny, because lance finally takes a proper breath, but shiro doesn’t. his lungs lock up and he’s silent on his end of the line, briefly wondering if he misheard. lance is still talking, though. it’s fine. what’s there to be upset about? shiro knows keith’s been sleeping around. they all have. it’s how this place operates.

… but it’s lance. who apparently enjoyed having sex with keith. which, of course, because sex with keith is great and keith is great in general, so… – sigh. there, he breaks the silence, eyes clenching closed as he rubs at his temple. alright, summary time: ]

You slept with Keith. [ gritted out; he should probably relax, so he doesn’t sound like that, huh? ] And you mean… – slept as in not sleeping. [ he just – needs to be sure he’s on the same page. ninety-nine percent of him is confident that’s what lance means, but the one percent of him holds out on hope that this is one, big misunderstanding. afterall, keith would’ve told him, right? ]

Are you saying you… want to do it again?

[ perhaps it's the words themselves, or the way they're spoken, or some weird twist of lance's imagination, but his initial reaction is to launch himself into a panic. keith had told him before that this was actual shiro and not the other one, but the memory of being snapped at by the clone is still enough that the tone makes him flinch. maybe he shouldn't have said anything at all... or at least waited for an answer before launching into an explanation. ]

You're mad. [ or upset, or frustrated, or any other myriad of emotional responses that aren't necessarily good. ] I wasn't- I didn't...

[ this is worse than the responses to his admittedly over-the-top flirting or his usual antics in general, and even though the man's tone has changed, lance is pretty sure that he's in trouble. somehow. in one way or another.

just breathe. think. consider the words carefully, mentally translate what he wants to say beforehand so that he doesn't say the wrong thing, and don't dig himself any deeper into a hole than he already has. ]

I didn't say that. [ his own voice is quiet, without his usual exuberance behind it. this is serious business to him, and he's treating it as such. ] I said I don't know what to do. We made a promise back when it was just the two of us that we'd do we'd do whatever we had to to get out of here, and that we weren't leaving each other behind. Then that happened, and it wasn't like either of us had ever--

[ the way shiro clarifies it -'slept as in not sleeping'- it immediately throws a red flag that lance hadn't considered before. well fuck. ]

He didn't tell you, did he?

[ that thing about not digging himself deeper? he's pretty sure that he should be reaching the center of the planet right about now. yep, he's dead. shiro's probably going to kill him, and if shiro doesn't then keith will for ratting them out. ]

[ is he mad? disappointed, more like. it’s hypocritical of him, perhaps; afterall, he’s the one who’s been spewing encouragements from the beginning, that they all need to buckle down and get through their sentences. it makes sense to look within the team. they all trust each other and are certainly safe with one another. so he gets it; logical, practical shiro gets it. it’s boyfriend shiro who doesn’t.

because keith and him are that now, you know? or not, because it’s new and they’ve largely been keeping it under wraps that they are trying for some semblance of a relationship in a place where exclusivity is an impossibility. they know that, have accepted it, too. so he has no right to be upset or disappointed or whatever, especially over something that happened before he was even here.

and yet, he keeps rounding back to the fact that with all these months spent, keith didn’t clue him in on the fact that he lost his virginity to lance…? that lance lost his to keith? why does that make him feel weird? it’s an honesty thing. it’s the principle of the matter. even that’s hypocritical of him, because he sure as hell hasn’t been upfront with keith about all the things he’s done here, either.

still, shiro is, unfortunately, not the prime example of maturity in every aspect of life. here, he’s sour and a touch petulant, simply stating: ]

No. He did not.

[ somehow, he's not surprised. it's something that keith probably wanted to forget about, something they'd only done to survive because otherwise it meant trusting a complete stranger from the start, and here he is possibly screwing things up for the guy by blurting it out to shiro. do they make cards for this? an apology fruit basket? should he give keith his bayard so that when he and shiro get home, they're not short one? though, maybe he should give them his armor as well so they're not short that either... ]

He probably didn't say anything because he didn't think it was important.

[ if shiro needs someone to be direct his mood toward, lance would rather it be him than see him turn it on keith. for some reason, having the man upset with keith just feels wrong. ]

Look, it was my fault, okay? I'm the one that got spooked because somebody actually replied and wanted to take advantage of the situation. He was just trying to help. I mean, it's Keith. He wouldn't have done it otherwise, we both know that.

[ they hadn't spoken to one another for a while after it happened -namely because lance had actively tried to avoid him out of guilt for making keith waste first times on him- and it wasn't as if they weren't talking to each other now, but the guilt had left a mark on him. he wants to see the others get home, wants them to make it out of bob's hands and back to earth, wants them to be happy... even if he's pretty much resigned himself to staying here until either whoever runs the joint gets bored of toying with him or the others remember he's here and figure out how to liberate the planet. somewhere in his mind, he's come to the conclusion that maybe he deserves to be here after all.

...because if given the choice to go back and change things, he wouldn't, and if given the chance, he'd agree to it again. and not just with keith.

how is it that he's faced angry galra, angry alternate-world alteans, and countless other things without flinching too badly, and yet it's sort-of-facing the man who's been his hero for ages that has lance wondering if allura shouldn't have left him be after that shield explosion? anger, he can handle, even if it stings, but disappointment is something else entirely. ]

... 'm sorry. I wasn't trying to upset you or anything...

[ possible. it’s entirely possible that keith didn’t think it was important enough to tell. or that it isn’t any of shiro’s business to know. likely the second one, which, despite shiro’s huffiness, he can admit to being a valid take. it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. it’s a one hook-up in a multitude of hook-ups, one that happened when shiro wasn’t even around to be a concern.

… unless it wasn’t just a one time thing. it sounds like a one time thing, but rationality takes a back seat to suspicion and shiro replays lance saying firsts. still applicable to one night together, but then he’s thinking about keith, shortly after shiro’s arrival, wanting to try bottoming. shiro hadn’t taken him up on the offer until days later and by then, keith had already given that first away. now, keith says he only ever bottoms to someone he trusts. so who would it have been? barely a month into prison life and keith had found someone he trusted enough to bend over for? who if not lance?

does it matter? all this time later, does it actually matter?

shiro hedges on answering his own question, genuinely uncertain of where he stands on the issue. all in all, it’s the sorry that has him hearing what’s being said, attention sharpening once more. ]

No. [ barely any hesitation on that front. disappointed or not at being left out of the loop, shiro, at least, recognizes that he’s being a lousy friend. he isn’t immune to guilt and here, it finds him to soften his voice. ] No, I’m sorry, Lance.

[ over the line, there’s the sound of him drawing a heavy breath, one that’s exhaled on a sigh. more and more, he sounds more like his predictable, accepting self, albeit a little worn around the edges. ]

You came to me with a question and I’m focusing on the wrong thing.

It's fine. [ the words come out a little too quick, but it can't be helped. ] I mean, I probably deserve it.

[ if he hadn't been so panicked over potentially losing his virginity to a stranger, keith never would have called him out to the pool, and they never would've ended up at keith's place, and nothing ever would've happened between them. but he'd been downright terrified... and all for naught. all koro had wanted was for him to tell him stories about home. nothing had happened at all, and he didn't have it in him to tell keith because he didn't want the guy to be mad at him over it. ]

Maybe it'd be best if I just... set the whole thing back to 'denial' and we just pretend this never happened?

[ it's his go-to for avoiding uncomfortable situations, and although it hasn't really done him any good, it also hasn't failed him much either. well, except for the part where internalizing it may not be the best idea out there, but he doesn't have a better plan. trying to talk things out had only ended with him focusing on what happened and not himself because he's never taken the time to think about it. it's easier to rehash a concrete than ponder the intangible.

of course, while he might be able to ignore this, it doesn't mean that shiro would be able to. it's always touchier when there's another person involved, and in this case, there's another two. ]

I'll even let you off the hook with answering. Just... promise me that at least one of you is gonna get home? Preferably both of you? 'Cause Keith already said he doesn't wanna be stuck with me for eternity, so I'd feel really bad if either of you ended up stuck here with me, y'know?

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this is so so so so late IM SORRY

its all good

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i am truly yelling. lance just casually giving shiro a crisis

giving people a crisis casually is one of his hidden talents.

rip lance... good luck w keith

poor shiro...

POOR LANCE. shiro's just being ridiculous

ridiculousness is a dish best served like fruitcake: rewrapped and regifted