takashi shirogane (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
earthshine) wrote2023-02-05 05:32 am
earthshine) wrote2023-02-05 05:32 am
⊚ noctium ic contact.
« Shiro »
TEXT ✧ AUDIO ✧ VIDEO ✧ ACTION
Takashi Shirogane ✦ Voltron: Legendary DefenderRESIDENCE ✦ Emerald District Apartment #51
JOB ✦ Gembond Guardian
GEMBOND ✦ Sapphire
Hi, this is Shiro. Sorry I'm unavailable at the moment, but leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
INFO ✧ PERMISSIONS ✧ KINKLIST ✧ EXTRA
bitchface is the hero they don't deserve
Compliments, reassurance -- that'd seemed to work before, but they're mortifying to share now and Keith doesn't really know how he's supposed to dig himself out of the things he's saying. Pretend it all meant nothing? Haha, jk bruh? Great.
But then comes Shiro's response and Keith finds he doesn't know what to do with that either. He pauses, dumbfounded for a second that bleeds into another and another. It's odd. Misplaced somehow. Whatever opinions people have about him, the ones he's used to hearing aren't about his physical appearance. Being reckless, recalcitrant and ready to throw down hadn't exactly been conducive to commentary of that kind.
So forget what about he'd called stupid earlier. This current swoop in his stomach and the smile tugging at the corners of his lips? This is stupid because Shiro doesn't mean it. It's just powder talking. But Keith doesn't attempt to hide his sappy smile right away. He holds eye contact for a moment, a little thankful for the reassurance, even if it's coming from a weird place and then: ]
C'mon. Let's get you in the shower.
[ And with that, he drops eye contact, heart somewhere between full and hurting, and starts working on undoing the button on Shiro's pants. ]
she needs to come save them here too
he can’t even fully blame the powder. that is what has been going on here, right? keith’s blue and shiro remembers how red an’ green his reflection looked. sumarlok is strange to say the least and with the weird things they’ve experienced already, some mind alerting powder isn’t beyond what is, unfortunately, possible. hell, they sure have their work cut out for them. the things keith said, what shiro said, what shiro did --
-- what keith is currently doing…?
shiro shakes free of the seemingly bottomless pit of worries and comes to with a noise dying in his throat. he snatches keith’s wrists, but doesn’t actually yank them away. his body freezes up on shock? horror? both? either way, he can’t will his muscles back into motion, only the few in his fingers to tighten a little more for a squeeze. ]
Uh… no.
[ he clears his throat, hoping to bring it back down to his usual pitch. is the powder still affecting keith? must be. it’s not like keith would be so bold as to take shiro’s pants off for him. ludicrous; that’s what this whole thing is. still, the admonishment doesn’t help much and his cheeks warm nonetheless, adding more to an already red splattered face. ]
I don’t think that’s a good idea.
bitchface meows loudly in the bg keith like GOTTA GO CAT MUST BE DYING
Oh.
[ What else is there to say to this? Seeing as Shiro is neither angry or lecherous or some ungodly combination of both, it seems safe to assume the powder has finally worn off, which can only be a good sign, but Keith can't actually bring himself to relax. He ought to be relieved, but he's uncertain and unwilling to let his guard down in case this is prelude to further blindsiding. He looks up uncertain, trying to ignore the way the bathroom somehow has gotten even more cramped now that there's some space between them.
At least going back to wanting the earth to swallow him whole is a familiar enough sentiment. Keith doesn't manage to hold eye contact long at all before the tiles suddenly become very interesting. ]
I was just .... [ trying to coax you into the shower to wash the powder off?? Is that even credible after what he'd just said about finding Shiro a lil mesmerizing? Fuck. How did he even get pushed into having to explain shit when it'd been Shiro that'd insisted on a shower together??
Keith's brow furrows, his own mood shifting with annoyance. Not quite at Shiro, but with this whole ridiculous situation. Of all the things that can force compelled behavior, they have to be fucking wary of powder now? Well shit. Good thing this crap didn't exist back home for the Galra to weaponize?? He looks up frowning, the nervous lilt to this tone now gone entirely. ]
I was trying to get you to wash the red and green stuff off. You didn't seem to want to unless it was together.
[ .... Actually maybe he should just stop fucking talking entirely now that he's kind of pissed. Keith takes another step back, gaze shifting to his boots. He could just grab those and make a beeline for the door. That sounds like a solid plan ]
You can wash up first. I'll leave you to it.
shiro shoves keith out of the way to run to bitchface's aid. BABY ARE YOU OK??
… somehow, putting it in those terms doesn’t make him feel any better.
how he feels right now doesn’t matter though, because he knows that look. he has roughly three seconds before keith cuts his losses and turns tail to escape the panic shiro knows is suffocating his thoughts and coaxing out that anger. ]
Keith. Wait.
[ and that’s as far as he gets. he glances to those boots as well and hesitates on a noticeable pause that inevitably breaks on a sigh. gaze finds its way back to keith and now he’s the one frowning, albeit kinder -- more cautious than angry. ]
I want to talk about this. [ the words are out and then he thinks shirt. where is it again? having to even wonder has him agitated and antsy, the nervous energy pushing him to run his fingers through his hair. only to promptly wince when his hand comes back red and green. ]
After. [ a beat. ] Once we’re both clean.
[ of course he wants to talk about it. it likely doesn’t need saying. keith is… just about the most important person to him, here and back home. mind altering powder that makes you say weird things is bad enough, but if shiro damaged the comfortable trust between them by touching keith so freely… ]
Just know that I don’t blame you. [ even if he blames himself for something he, logically, knows isn’t his fault. ] And this doesn’t change anything between us.
[ at least he hopes it doesn’t. right keith? they’re still good, right? ]
WOW shiro. stop monopolizing their daughter
A stubborn part of him wants to ask what is there to talk about? The more level headed part of him knows to keep his mouth shut. It's obvious what they need to talk about, it's just that the conclusion seems.... predictable? They'll reach some amicable agreement to disregard everything that was said and done, right? Why prolong the awkward when he can just fast forward to the conclusion. Keith stays quiet, shoving aside the more acerbic replies... only to manage a flat: ]
Okay.
[ He picks up his boots, and doesn't meet Shiro's eye as he straightens up and turns around to leave. He ought to say more, but frustration keeps him silent. Nobody here is at fault for anything, it's just part of the reality they're dealing with and... well. That's that. ]
Talk in a bit then.
[ At the very least, he doesn't slam the door. It's just a quick and quiet open, shut, bye. ]
TIMESKIP. i'm putting bitchface in this just to show shiro is her favorite.
he’s been biding his time, reiterating reassurances that it isn’t his fault. that it’s the powder’s. honestly, it doesn’t comfort him as much as he wishes it would. maybe it’s because he knows the explanation isn’t worthy of keith. he’d manhandled keith around, practically leeched himself to him and spouted off entitlements like keith is his, to hell with anyone who thinks otherwise, keith included. so all that and what -- suddenly it’s okay because it had been the powder? keith is supposed to just shrug it off and forgive him? as though those actions are separate from shiro, so keith has no right to be mad at him?
sighing, he shifts his weight and starts anxiously bouncing his leg, staring out but not really seeing anything beyond his own thoughts. maybe it’s a good thing keith is taking his time; shiro isn’t exactly dying to talk this through either. though, the longer shiro is surrounded by silence, the more his mind runs. all of a sudden, he thinks of the clone. it had lost its mind too and fallen to baser instincts. the two scenarios are on opposite ends of the spectrum and even linking them is a stretch that only shiro can see but just as the first left keith hurt beyond belief, he fears this second slip in control might have damaged the perception that shiro is steady an’ safe.
there’s a meow below and shiro breaks free of his thoughts to glance down, just as the still nameless kitten rubs up against his stationary leg. the comfort is short lived, because just as he’s reaching down to snag behind her ear an’ go for a scratch, the bathroom door opens in the other room. the kitten’s head swivels toward the sound and then she’s off, scampering across the apartment as though she can anticipate the
stupidinessseriousness of the impending conversation. traitor.footsteps sound and when shiro looks to the bedroom door, there’s keith, crossing into the living room. abruptly, shiro forces his leg to stop bouncing and then he’s sitting stock-still, doing his best to appear calm, composed, normal… and ultimately failing. he does manage a friendly smile though, even if it reads a little too forced. start off easy. that’s his plan. ease into the bigger stuff; don’t ambush keith the second he sits down. ]
Looks like you got it all.
[ unlike shiro who found some red after scratching behind his ear a few minutes ago. the smile turns crooked even as nerves have his stomach churning uncomfortably. ] How’s it feel to no longer be an oversized blueberry?
shiro is keeping her from being a ninja cat hmph
He tells himself he's not avoiding Shiro exactly, but by the time the running water has stopped staining blue and his skin's gone pruney, he's forced to concede that maybe he is. The thought sits poorly, of course. Shiro is someone he can talk to about anything ... except intimacy specifically between them, apparently. They've been close for a long time. even more literally these days due to synchrony being what it is, but he's starting to realize that lines are getting blurred. Sure, powder is an easy culprit, but he doesn't know what to do with the awareness of what things between them could be like. Seems easier to sweep it all under the rug of stupid, hormonally charged bullshit that isn't ultimately worth ruminating over because that's not how they actually feel about each other. Or maybe the topic will rear its ugly head again simply because life here is fundamentally different from the one he's used to. There aren't any wars, no concrete "bigger picture" to stay focused on -- just some abstract sense of guilt that picks at the corners of his conscience whenever he thinks about the paladins. Krolia. The wolf. Not that he'd asked to wake up in Noctium ... or most of what's happened in his life.
But as much as he could stay in the shower longer until he's sterilized all feeling out of his thoughts, there's inevitably going to be a point where Shiro's concern is going to override his patience. Before that can happen, Keith forces himself out of the shower and out of the bathroom, dressed in a clean black shirt and pants and a towel draped over his wet hair. He catches the kitten darting off to a different corner of the apartment, and his eyes stay on her for a long moment before he finally looks at Shiro seated on the couch.
The lighthearted tone of the question doesn't match the tension in Shiro's body language . Keith doesn't know whether he's grateful for the attempt at levity or annoyed. That's always been Shiro's style -- approach cautiously, ease into harder conversations. At least when leadership wasn't the topic of choice, anyway. But it's so diametrically opposed to Keith's approach in just about everything that the knot in his stomach is tighter for having to feign normalcy first. Taking a deep breath, he folds his arms and shifts his gaze towards a painting on the wall. ]
Better, I guess? [ He takes a tentative step towards Shiro, then decides proximity is probably a bad idea and leans against the doorframe instead. He stays there, quiet for a beat and then: ] Not really my color.
[ It's also pretty obviously not what he wants to say, but if Shiro would rather handle this delicately than with a sledgehammer Keith supposes he can at least match the effort. ]
she can still be a ninja! she'll just be... round.
it’s not even that long. somehow, it seems to drag though and he reminds himself patience right before keith gives in with -- a joke? kind of? shiro thinks it’s meant to be lighthearted and shiro appreciates the attempt of matched levity. except, even well-intentions can hit wrong and here, shiro thinks red and feels himself grimacing despite his best efforts.
there’s no manual on the colors, obviously. but shiro knows the emotions that railroaded him, making it easy enough to guess by process of elimination. green with envy ring any bells? and red is widely accepted for amorous desires. he hasn’t quite figured out what blue has to do with flirtation but well, that’s what he thinks keith had been suffering from?
either way, between flirty and aggressively affectionate: ]
I don’t think you would’ve wanted red.
[ now it’s his turn to shy his gaze. it tips down and he picks at the fabric covering his right knee, smile twisting easily into a frown. ]
...I supppose they can compromise. Keith should get her a lil blade outfit
Probably not.
[ Why is he always so terrible at finding the right things to say? The familiar years long frustration wells up easily, but that's where axioms like patience yields focus come back to mind. Whether it's helpful is debatable. Not because he doesn't have the heart to be patient with Shiro, but because being patient with himself even though he's somehow actively making the situation worse seems.. undeserved. He sighs, yanking the towel off his head, letting it fall around his shoulders instead as he marches right up to the other side of the coffee table. While it's wet, his hair is distinctly mop-like, and Keith gives his bangs a resigned sweep off his forehead. [
Okay, look. Can we just ... [ He trails off. He thinks he knows what he wants going forward, but id that what Shiro wants? The forcefulness of his tone dissipates some and he ends more awkwardly on: ] ... well what did you want to say?
... tbh i want this to be a reality. i bet they could commission someone to make her one.
only for the smile to die under the weight of those forceful words. keith catches himself too and then that demeanor softens. ah, fantastic. the awkwardness is back. he hated the distance before and he thinks he hates the closeness too, or at least, he hates the squirmy feeling that’s gaining ground from sitting useless as keith stands just across the way. should he stand too? no, that’s stupid. he’s not actually at any sort of disadvantage here by having the more submissive position. and even if he is, perhaps that’s deserved.
he draws a breath, taps his fingers on his knee instead and -- nothing. how does he even go about this? he’s had twenty-something minutes to rehearse and now when faced with a point-blank, he hesitates on the lines. there’s so much to unpack and so much to apologize for and… yeah, that’s the best way to start, huh? ]
I wanted to say I’m sorry. [ he’s made sure to look up for that, hoping to come across as genuine as he is remorseful. there’s hardly a pause though, because he knows what the argument is and he’s quick to cut any hint of it off. ] I know, I know -- the powder.
[ like this shitshow is supposed to be forgotten with a single line. it’s similar, he supposes, to the transformations from weeks past. but underneath the strange features, they’d been them, right? minds altered at times, true, but if they focused hard enough, they could come back to themselves. so how is this different? maybe shiro hadn’t tried enough to overcome the colors and their influence. convinced on that, his features harden on self-condemnation. ]
But that doesn’t excuse what I said to you. [ a beat; the smallest of grimaces. ] What I did to you.
[ he makes it sound so terrible, like they did more than groping hands and suggestive words. shiro doesn’t know how to cut himself slack though. to him, it’s disrespect and broken boundaries, and given the history they’ve been mending, shiro isn’t confident that keith’s ability to forgive will always hold strong. ]
So if there’s any of this that’s made you uneasy or if you need more time apart… [ he’ll leave? he doesn’t have much here. he could see if his original apartment is still available; even just temporarily. ] I just want you to be comfortable moving forward.
it would be pretty cute....
Huh?
[ I don't blame you -- wasn't that the launching point for all this? That he'd been caught red-handed doing something incriminating that demanded, if not a reprimand then at least some personal responsibility? If it'd just been the powder, then keith might not have been as defensive, but knowing he can't actually wash his hands completely of this stupidity is what'd made him seize up in the first place. Admittedly, that's entirely ridiculous. Like some kid with cookie crumbs around his mouth throwing a stink about how he most definitely did not eat any cookies.
Of course, Keith isn't actually proud of his initial reaction -- he's rarely ever prouod of that, really, but having some time and space to himself had made it abundantly clear that if Shiro wanted to cross examine him, then he had every right to. From the initial texts, the teasing, all the way down to the intention to strip Shiro down to nothing.
keith bites his lip, his initial train of thought now thoroughly derailed. Is that what the coiled tension in Shiro's body language is about then? Some badly suppressed worry that Keith wants him to leave? Keith stares for another moment, sinking down on the coffee table. ]
I... Shiro, no. You don't need to apologize for this planet being stupid, you know that. I know you didn't really mean any of what you said. [ Or did, but Keith isn't willing to dwell on the memory of Shiro's hands on his body. ] It's fine. [ a beat. ] I mean it's not fine that this place can cause things like that to happen that easily, but.....
[ here, he heaves a sigh, looking away briefly before managing to force a small smile. ]
it's just how it is now, I guess. [ Then, more quietly: ] But I'm sorry too.
i'd laugh if keith's first and only network post is about finding someone to make a cat outfit
no, keith was right on the following part. this is so far from fine and likely, not a one-time thing. malachite loves playing with them. there’s no telling what it will come up with next, only that something will come. best to mentally prepare himself for it, because what else is there to do? put distance between keith and himself? no. just now, shiro had been blocks away. and before, with the transformations, keith tracked him down. no matter what, it seems as though they find their way back to each other and that’s… he doesn’t know. comforting in some sense. troubling in another.
he sighs then, looking to keith perched there on the coffee table and nods faintly. ]
I know. [ to everything: stupid planet, it not being fine, this is how it is ( get used to it ). the small smile settles him, even forced as it is, and while shiro still has that miserable look about him, he doesn’t leave keith alone in this. he tries for a smile of his own. ]
But promise me. If this happens again… shove me in the closet and barricade the door.
[ he’s choosing to ignore the glaring probability that keith will likely be as compromised. but half an hour ago, keith hadn’t been, right? shiro can’t say exactly when keith’s powder effects wore off. he only knows that they did before shiro’s. so next time -- and hell, he’s inwardly cringing at the mere suggestion -- he’d rather keith not indulge shiro’s whims. keith deserves better than having to deal with… that. ]
You’d be doing both of us a favor.
i want this to happen gdit
Shiro. [ steeled on resolve, his voice comes out with more gravity than intended as he slaps his hand down on one broad shoulder. there. that wasn't so bad, was it? ] If you managed to escape the Galra, I'm not sure how you expect a closet and a chair propped up against the handle to hold you.
[ there's almost a laugh then, though not quite. not that the situation in the bathroom had made keith feel like he was in danger, but there's no denying that part of the reason it'd been easier to try and work with shiro and appease him is because keith doesn't want to fight him while shiro's not himself. there's something in there that probably warrants some psychoanalysis, but you can bet keith will do no such thing. instead he tries to deflect with a forced heh and a squeeze. ]
But in any case... if something happens, it happens I guess.
[ keith doesn't necessarily like that, but he supposes it could have been worse if he'd sent flirty texts to someone else. or if shiro got handsy with a stranger. ...ah, but that's not a thought keith wants to entertain either. he takes his hand off, then refolds his arms. ]
But I'll keep your suggestion in mind.
make it a reality. shiro fully supports this.
the closet idea is ludicrous. he understands that. half serious, half joking, he’d been hoping to accomplish… something with it, not that he can even adequately describe what. it’s backfired though. now, he’s faced with the very real scenario of him ripping the closet apart to get out. to get at keith. what is he supposed to do with that knowledge? make another bad joke about how, yes, he’ll punch his way out and hopefully, he’ll take out keith’s trash jacket in the process?
he hates this. he thinks this is the lowest point in his hate that he’s had for this place. right here, right now, so much of this feels like keith doesn’t -- care? like, whatever happens to keith doesn’t matter. the sentiment isn’t new by any means. shiro’s familiar enough with keith’s self-sabotaging and frankly, detached perception for his own well-being.
if something happens, it happens. right.
why isn’t he concerned? why isn’t he angry? twenty minutes ago, shiro had been fretting over the possibility of keith being uncomfortable enough to command shiro to leave and now, he almost wishes keith wouldn’t smile, wouldn’t laugh in that half-stuck, half-engaged way of his. shiro doesn’t want a free-pass. that makes this so much worse.
so if keith refuses to get angry, guess shiro will on his behalf. fuck all, someone needs to. ]
It shouldn’t be that easy. [ staring at the careful fold of keith’s arms, shiro frowns slow, each beat having his features tightening until he’s one stop short of glaring. he wanted this -- he tries to remind himself that he wanted them to be okay. he shouldn’t be prodding deeper and stirring a pot that should be left the fuck alone.
and yet -- he huffs and he’s on his feet, looking down at keith. ]
Why are you…
[ don’t get mad at him. shiro’s the one at fault here. if he looks beyond that statement, all the reasons as to why shiro isn’t the blame are there to examine. but he’s stubborn and he’s mad and he’s… afraid, honestly. he steps away from keith then, shaking his head as he rounds the coffee table. ]
If you end up forcing yourself on me, Shiro, no big deal. [ mocking, that’s the best way to describe his tone. it doesn’t last though and soon he’s just tired from the chaotic tumble of his thoughts. around the table and closer to the television stand against the opposite wall, he briefly covers his face with his hands, rubbing his palms hard, as though to physically dispel the tension. ]
I was thinking things, Keith. [ don’t you get it, is the unspoken part. one last rub and then he drops his hands, gaze to the floor. ] I wanted to do things to you.
[ a great many, unmentionable things that might have come to pass if they’d actually made it into the shower. ]
how is this the one thing they apparently agree on...
what really kicks that into overdrive is the sardonic shade that comes right after. keith is up on his feet in an instant, hands balled into fists at his sides and glaring across the room. ]
What the hell. [ the counter accusation is snapped. even considering his shitty wording, is that really the conclusion shiro's drawn here? never mind that shiro's dictating the fucking obvious to him like he's a child who doesn't know what sexual intent is. ]
You think I don't know you have a dick or something?
bc they're stupid...?
chin dipped, he eyes keith from lowered, narrowed lashes and he scoffs, tipping his head up on the tailend of that sound. he rolls his eyes up toward the ceiling and adopts keith’s earlier stance of grumpy, crossed arms. ]
Right. You figured me out. [ that dismissive tone is back, both bitter and mocking. the whole problem started when keith brushed this off as a nothing. nothing to see here, nothing to think about, what happens, happens. no biggie? now keith makes it worse by dumbing down the argument into a question so idiotic that it’s actually insulting.
if keith doesn’t want to take this concern seriously, then fine, forget it. ] That’s what I think.
/o\
Why are you trying to make me mad at you? The hell is this accomplishing?
[ but the wheels are turning in his mind as he speaks, and an answer clicks into place. keith narrows his eyes, hands settling on his hips. where there'd been heat to his tone before, it very abruptly takes on the qualities of siberian winter. ]
Oh. I get it. You're trying to goad me into telling you to leave.
[ what else would it be other than this fucking unresolved issue all over again. ]
i hate shiro.
maybe he hasn’t changed at all. once upon a time, he had an outlook that refused to bend for compromise. shiro thought, maybe, he outgrew it when duty became more important than shiro’s dreams for himself. for a time, they even aligned. voltron meant something to him; still does. but the team became more important than shiro himself and more specifically, keith took centerfold. here, he thinks the desire to keep keith safe an’ focused on a certain pathway has twisted so much in his head that he’s actually mangled it into something unrecognizable.
perhaps even something cruel.
the fight doesn’t disappear but his expression shutters and then he’s looking to the floor, the slightest drawing in of his shoulders. shame? yeah, the movement holds a lot of that. he knows he’s wrong; has known it since he first stood up. but-- ]
I only want to protect you.
[ from him? and isn’t that fucking rich? he takes it back -- he has changed. now he’s exactly what he hated all those years when he had dreams and a gaze stubbornly set on the stars. so now he’s the person who shelters and smothers and decides what’s best for someone else. who is he even anymore? how long can he blame it on death and being brought back to a body, to a world he feels completely out of depth in?
nonetheless, his voice has a wavering tilt to it -- petulant, partly, and mostly uncertain. not uncertain of wanting the best for keith, no of course not, but hesitating on whether that’s something he’s even allowed to say. ]
he deserves a spanking
but there isn't further elaboration beyond what shiro's stated, so keith has to stare down the bitter conclusion that he actually had been correct then. shiro isn't giving him anything, no denial, not even plausible deniability now that he can see shiro shrinking into his shoulders and .... ah. the knot in his stomach is gone, but it's replaced by something heavier, a bone deep exhaustion and a nice sprinkling of disappointment to top it off.
the scowling breaks then, but it feels like a whole lot more broke with it. this time, keith doesn't fight the lurch of vertigo and drops himself down on the couch, elbows propped up on his knees, forehead pressed to his palms as fingers briefly dig into his scalp. ]
We're just... never gonna move past this, are we.
[ the words come up unbidden on the back of exasperation. his regret is instant. why the hell did he give that a voice? stupid. keith sucks in a deep breath, then forces himself to look up. ]
Shiro. [ his throat clamps up, forcing a pause and a swallow. ] If that's what you want, maybe you should just be locking me in the closet. You're not the only one here who was affected by powder. Hell, it could have been anyone on the street today that got splashed with red. And I... [ again, he hates just about everything about that, but he's already said as much. sighing, he gets back up on his feet to pace around the coffee table, unable to sit still after the adrenaline spike of their fight. ]
Look. I don't want anything like that to happen because of some stupid powder. But if it has to happen, all I'm saying is that I would prefer that it happened with you.
[ he lets that one hang in the air for a moment, eyes on the floorboards rather than shiro. but given everything that's been said, it's pretty clear that's not a mutual sentiment. rather than give shiro a chance to respond, he presses forward. this time, keith does make eye contact. ]
But none of that's important. If you want to leave, just... go. I want you to stay , but I'm not gonna force you to.
whack him hard keet
the pain radiating off of keith is almost palpable. shiro can just about convince himself that he can feel it in the suffocating nature of the room. heck, he can hear it in his voice, see it in that broken hunch -- what shakes the swirling undercurrent of his dismal thoughts is seeing that they’re dragging keith down with him. always hurting him. always causing him pain. somewhere along the way from galaxy garrison to here, shiro stopped being keith’s rock and in turn became his anchor, one destined to pull him down so deep that he drowns with all of shiro’s burdens.
he doesn’t want that. he can’t have that. he refuses to do that to keith. so here he… tries. it takes a swallow and a steadying breath, but he brings himself back enough to formulate a quiet: ]
I don’t know why I keep doing this.
[ admitting it aloud has anxiety spiking and he glances to the door on instinct. his feet stay rooted though and he makes no indication of wanting to move beyond the glance. soon enough, he swallows and shakes his head, looking to keith and then right back to the floor. ]
I’m not… -- I don’t want to go. I want to be with you.
[ here, in their -- home? he’s hesitant to name it that. he keeps thinking this is temporary but now there’s a closet full of clothes, taken hiding spots and a cat. they’re building something here. ]
But I start thinking about what’s happened and what could happen and... [ he curls his fingers into his biceps and hugs himself tighter, knowing that he isn’t explaining any of this with any real justice. he has faith that keith will get it though -- he has a knack for understanding shiro when shiro doesn't even fully understand himself. this time, is it shame that keeps his gaze lowered? no. stubbornness? not that either. actually, it’s a slip in attention and a running of curiosity, because there’s something keith said before. i would prefer that it happened with you. it makes sense considering the world and keith's general disdain for strangers. but… it touches deeper inside him and the whole of him brims with the half-delirious idea of a them. brief, temporary, whatever.
… is that -- good? for them? for what shiro has decided their friendship to be? he doesn’t know and he can’t know, not right now, not when his head is already a mess. so he never quite manages an answer for himself and then he slips in concentration again, instead rounding back to how he needs to give keith something more than indecision and false leads. he thinks maybe he’s pressing his luck. keith doesn’t do patience. he tries when it comes to shiro -- which shiro is both grateful and proud of him for -- however, shiro knows that if he continues to give keith nothing in return, that steady presence will inevitably disappear.
in the end, it’s all for naught. he can’t put words to how he's just as lost to what his own end game is. ]
I don’t know what I’m doing.
[ he reiterates and looks up, peeking at keith. ]
and then kiss it better. one day.
but then .... it's kinda relatable, isn't it? the war demanded decisiveness, a tacit acceptance of collateral damage and the recognition that inaction was also an action. with that kind of pressure lifted away, it's opened up so much more room to overanalyze every little detail that obscures the bigger picture.
I want to be with you. I love you, too. I'm sorry I made it seem like I'd forgotten.
keith knows all of these things and yet .... he stops looking at shiro then, gaze shifting down to where his hand is clenched tight into a fist. it's disorienting all over again to think that shiro had unwillingly kissed his hand half an hour ago. pushing that thought aside, keith breathes in deeply.
they're a team. always have been, always will be. but like with any team, it's only as strong as the conviction they have in each other. it'd been that way with voltron as well, hadn't it? shiro was as effective as he was because the entire team was there to lift him up. maybe keith isn't doing enough lifting here. maybe shiro would doubt him less if he stopped letting the past unravel the things he knows are true.
he breathes out slowly, letting that resolve saturate. then, he walks over to where shiro is standing. he takes another step into his best friend's personal space, and in the next beat sets his hands on both shoulders. ]
Then trust me a little. You're making this complicated. [ a squeeze and then: ] I meant what I said. I'm going to support you, no matter what tricks these so-called detieis pull.
yes. one day there will be kisses................... "one day"
he does trust keith though, especially when it comes to understanding his own needs and limits.
even so, his lips remain sealed to protest and his gaze unlifted despite the buzzing awareness of keith’s squeeze and palpable desperation for shiro to engage. there’s a slight nodding of his head as the silence settles and then he lifts his hand. no, not one -- he’s going for both. he can silently admit to himself that he still has no idea what he’s doing and that he still doesn’t feel solid footed in the least, but palms brush and then he curls his fingers, wrapping them around the low end of keith’s forearms for two loose clasps.
if he can’t give keith words to hold onto, maybe answering holds will do? honestly, it’s more selfish than that. it’s grounding for shiro and a physical tapping of strength that he draws from keith in order to finally drive his gaze up to peek at the other man. ]
Okay.
[ quiet, yet resolute, at least his voice has strength to it that can be depended on. there’s a pause there, as though the thought isn’t complete and he’s going to clarify something beyond a one word answer. however, the moment lapses and then he obviously changes route by abruptly abandoning the somber air for his shitty defense mechanism. ]
Listen to Keith more and stop being a moron… [ his head is still slightly ducked, as though he hasn’t centered himself enough to fully level it for his usual confidence. a smile touches his lips though and it’s crooked. playful, maybe, albeit slightly strained. ]
The second part might be a bit of a tall order but I think I can manage.
this feels bad.
but keith isn't actually ready to let this go. shiro had been quick to flare up to anger and keith knows all too well that putting a smile on this quickly doesn't actually mean the issue's been resolved. perhaps that's just how it is. there isn't actually any way for either of them to make the root of the problem go away. but the aftermath and the consequences? that, at least, is something they might actually have some control over. ]
Shiro, I'm serious.
[ and as if to punctuate that, keith slides one hand up to cup shiro's cheek. pay attention to me is what that is. an entirely embarrassing sentiment, all things considered, but keith is determined to make a point. he shaves another half-step from the distance between them, looking shiro dead in the eye from just a little too close. ]
It's not a big deal unless we make it that.
[ and right now, standing like this, with the tip of his nose mere centimeters away from touching shiro's ... this isn't a big deal, is it? ]
good luck.
being irresponsible is supposed to be that easy. but it’s not. of course it’s not. because keith is predictably unpredictable and for how well shiro lets himself believe he knows his best friend, there’s still those moments when he’s irrevocably thrown for a loop. like now.
there’s movement in the form of a cupped cheek and then keith steals more space. shiro blinks up, gazing filling and thoughts flat-lining on a low oh. distantly, he can follow the thread. he sees this for what it is. it’s a power move of taking control of their lives. choice is a luxury that comes and goes here, so in those pockets of reprieve, it’s their chance to decide for themselves. is it truly a choice though? isn’t this all manufactured and forced by the what if that may come tomorrow, next week, next month? or perhaps never.
how is this a good plan?
right. trust keith. that’s the plan, isn’t it? keith acts like he knows what he’s doing. but shiro doesn’t buy it. leaping before looking. acting before thinking. so reckless, not only with himself, but with shiro too. the frustration doesn’t quite manifest into anything substantial though and shiro merely wades through the awareness of it, staring a beat longer before finally dealing with… whatever this is.
he leans in. barely. those last centimeters close and shiro nudges their noses together. a slow, lazy nuzzle follows and shiro pointedly ignores the dizzying circle of his thoughts. warm. smooth. soft. he’s trying to make a point here, one centered on the fact that keith doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. this is powder round two, except with clear heads -- is this better? does it feel fine? yes. no. no.
he flexes his fingers still wrapped around keith’s forearm -- his other arm having let go of the hand now on his cheek -- squeezing, part keeping keith close and part warning him to back off. ]
This doesn’t feel like a big deal to you?
[ and he tips closer, encroaching an’ domineering. mouth close enough now that he can taste keith’s breath on the next exhale and -- fuck. he started by wanting to teach keith something? that he’s in over his head? that it’s not that simple? this is too weird to even try? he’s lost sight of the plot. all he knows is this is another half-baked, terrible idea… which is why keith should pull away. ]
that icon is STILL murdering me
but the question leaves more than just passive impressions. keith eyes haven't strayed from shiro's and that mocking jab is the catalyst that warps what had been wrongfully sweet and tender in the bathroom into a fucking challenge. you just have that kind of effect on me, was it? fuck that. shiro is toying with him, testing his resolve because he still isn't taking keith seriously.
the disheartening part of that is that it's not even surprising anymore. how many times is keith going to have to say the same fucking thing before it even halfway sticks in shiro's head? ten times? a thousand? will keith even have a voice left over by the end of it?
as much as keith isn't used to anyone, including shiro, encroaching this far into his personal space, keith doesn't flinch away or blush. because if shiro's attitude isn't surprising, you can damn well bet that it's infuriating and that cuts through the bullshit of flustered nerves like an ion cannon. ]
That's what I said, isn't it.
[ as with most things keith, the irritable defiance isn't subtle. his brows knit together, the retort fired back in tones a stone's throw away from being outright growled. the look in his eyes is likewise set with gritty determination, focused, like he's surveying a battlefield rather than an equally defiant shiro.
in the next beat, his gloved hand tightens around the angle of shiro's jaw and keith pushes up to press their lips together in a quick, decisive motion. under a different set of circumstances, he might have pulled back immediately, leaving the kiss fleeting and chaste, but right now whatever part of him that's jittery and nervous about shit like first kisses and first kisses with shiro is overwhelmingly drowned out by something else.
no, this isn't a big deal and he doesn't fucking care how long their lips are going to have to stay glued together for shiro to get the damn point. ]
i refuse to scroll up to ever see that icon again.
it's the best icon you should want to see it everywhere
no i hate it. just gimme more sheith icons.
you may get more depending on how this goes pfff
this is too much pressure
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